Jasper's Girl
by punkfarie
Summary: Between the loss of one life and the beginning of another, something grows between friends.
1. Chapter 1

_**I don't own anything. **_

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_**August 9**__**th**_

It was too hot outside to be wearing all black. The people around me were fanning themselves with the funeral announcement. Figures that the day we bury him, the forecast has to be a record high. It had been unseasonably warm since the day he died—like Mother Nature was punishing us for letting him perish.

I felt nauseous. The glaring sun, which bore down on me with an unreasonable amount of ire, was giving me a headache. I reached up to rub my temples and five sets of hands touched me in various locations, as if to ease my grief. I bit my tongue to keep from snapping at them. Grief had not set in yet—I only wanted the headache to go away.

Maria's wailing was worthy of a soap opera and definitely not easing the ache behind my eyes. A quick glance at her hat made me giggle again. Was it appropriate to laugh at the attire of your recently deceased boyfriend's mother? She looked like she was dressed for a British Royal's funeral, not a one for a twenty-something history teacher from Forks. It had a veil and feathers and the whole shebang.

"I wonder how many crows she had to kill for that hat," I mumbled to myself. Alice was the only one that heard me. She reprimanded me with a pinch.

I had been getting strange looks and shameful stares since the funeral started. I wasn't crying or howling like his mom. I wasn't sobbing softly like his Aunt Esme or standing silent and still like Edward. I had not yet accepted that Jasper was in that wooden box.

I was still stuck on the first stage of grief—shock and denial with a little anger mixed in. I was still waiting for him to come home with a movie and some Chinese food. I desperately wanted to believe that he wasn't here because he had left me for another woman. I'd rather he had broken my heart than died on the side of the road.

Him and that fucking bike.

"Jasper Whitlock left us before his time," the minister said.

I scoffed loudly, earning a few more stares. I hated that saying—dying before your time. Obviously if you died then it _was your time_. Edward and Emmett spoke, some of our co-workers said a few words, and then his Uncle Carlisle wrapped things up. We laid roses on the coffin—his mom's idea.

Jasper was allergic to roses.

Finally, it was time to leave and head to the Cullen's for food, reminiscing, and booze. However, the thought of drinking in this heat made my stomach turn. Edward and Emmett would definitely partake—maybe Alice too.

Maria stumbled in her stilettos as walked across the graveyard. I laughed out loud, remembering her snide comment from earlier, "Really, Isabella, you couldn't bother to dress nice and wear heels?"

A little revengeful snicker at her expense was fine—the problem was that I _couldn't stop laughing_. I started laughing so hard that I was gasping.

How ridiculous was this? I was at Jasper's funeral! He was dead and I was alive and his mother was dressed like Neville's grandmother from Harry Potter. I was on my knees laughing hysterically in the middle of a cemetery for reasons I couldn't fully understand.

It was Edward that picked me up. He grabbed my arms and put me on my feet, supporting me as I wobbled.

"I'm gonna take you home, Bella."

And he did. He took me home and laid me in my bed fully dressed. He even stayed overnight, leaning against the headboard to watch over me as I slept.

It was around two o'clock in the morning when I reached out, still half asleep and searching for Jasper. When my hands met flesh, I knew it was Edward's arm that I was touching—_not Jasper's_—and that's when it really hit me.

Jasper was _gone_.

* * *

**umm. ok. i haven't written anything in awhile. this story started out as a one shot for a contest but expanded dramatically. i have a plan for it. it *should* be reasonably short. also, i have no posting schedule, i am currently in the midst of fixing a new house & moving, plus school will be starting soon...so yea. lol**

**special thanks to MissSnazzy for beta and iheartthedoc for holding my hand. **

**thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

_**i still don't own anything**_

* * *

_**October 15**__**th**_

"Hey, Bella-ella-ding-dong," Edward greeted as he hauled a bag of groceries into my kitchen.

He was too damn cheerful. I mustered up the most convincing smile I could, but even I knew it fell short. Edward chose not to notice.

"Hey, Eddie."

I attempted to get up to help, but he motioned for me to sit back down. I sat obediently while he pulled over another chair, propped my feet up, and set a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey on the table in front of me.

"They were out of the Stephen Colbert one. I hope Chunky Monkey is okay."

He chewed slightly on the corner of his mouth, waiting for my approval. He was always so nervous around me these days.

"Chunky Monkey is fine. You don't have to keep doing this, you know," I pointed out, just as I had every week when he brought me ice cream and groceries.

I also reminded him every time he stopped by to check up on me-_everyday_-and when he called-also daily. _Twice_. He usually just ignored me instead of arguing. I'm too tired and achy to protest much more than that.

A pint of ice cream later, and the food is already put away. Edward sat on my counter, watching me feed the kitten leftover drops of my ice cream.

"Need anything done around the house? Light bulb change, drain unclogged, anything like that?"

"I'm pregnant, not crippled, Eddie. I can change a light bulb and work a plunger."

My words came out harsh and frustrated. Edward dropped his eyes and I regretted my tone.

_He's only trying to be supportive_, I reminded myself. _None of this is his fault_.

"I'm sorry. Hormones and shit and-uh-I'm just sorry."

He shrugged off my words. He had gotten used to my outbursts lately, which really only made me feel worse.

We sat in silence, avoiding each other's eyes. He played with the spacer in his ear while I admired how long my nails had gotten since I started taking the prenatal vitamins. When he began drumming his fingers on the counter top, I knew he was working up the courage to ask me something. I had a feeling it was a question I didn't want to answer.

"Have you packed up any of Jasper's stuff yet?" he asked tentatively, not really meeting my eyes, but looking passed me at an invisible speck on the wall.

The mention of Jasper's name caused an ache in my womb. It was almost as if the baby knew what had happened and already missed it's father.

"I don't mind doing it. I did it for Aunt Maria."

I rolled my eyes involuntarily. Only two months and Maria had practically erased all evidence of her son's existence, apart from a few pictures. Her newest spiritual guide had advised her to move on with her life and _apparently _the only way to heal was to remove the memory of her only child and travel. The last I had heard, she was sunbathing in Aruba with an overly tan beach hunk that was younger than her lost son was.

"I can do it myself." _When I felt like it._

There was no law saying that I ever had to give up sleeping in his favorite t-shirt or using the pillow that still faintly held his scent.

"You have to clean out the spare room before the baby comes."

"I _know_ that." I gritted my teeth. "That's still six months away and it would probably be easier on me if the baby slept in our-_my_-room for the first few months. I'll get to it when I get to it."

Which was likely to be never.

"Fine."

Again, he refused to argue. That only irritated me further, remembering that before all of _this_ Edward and I used to fight like siblings. Now that I was grieving and pregnant, he gave in way too easily.

He pushed himself off of the counter and his landing scared the kitten that had been lounging on the windowsill. She scampered off, knocking a glass over in the process. I tried to jump up and save it, but wasn't fast enough. It hit the tiled floor on its lip and shattered. It had been one of Jasper's favorite Superman glasses.

"Damn it!"

I started toward the broom and dustpan.

"I can clean it, just sit down."

Edward was across the kitchen before I could get to the pantry.

"I can clean up a mess in my own house."

"I don't want you to get cut."

"Just give me the broom. It's mostly big pieces."

I put my hand on the broom and tried to take it from Edward.

"I don't mind cleaning it."

He pulled the broom towards his chest.

"Just let me clean it."

I yanked the broom back towards me. I could feel my irritation turning into anger. I was famous for my temper. Edward knew that.

"Bella, I. Don't. Mind."

He went so far as to try and pry my fingers off of the broom handle and my anger exploded.

"Fuck, Edward! I'm not a fucking invalid! You don't have to do everything for me! I'm a grown woman!" I screamed, probably scaring the damn kitten again because I heard something crash in the living room.

"I'm just trying to help! Jasper would have wanted-"

"Jasper would have wanted you to move on and live your own fucking life. _Your own life_," I repeated for emphasis. "You hover over me constantly, you don't let me do anything for myself, and you never give me any fucking peace! Sometimes I think you forget that this baby isn't yours. But it's not, okay? It's not! And you are no fucking Jasper, so stop trying to be him!"

Edward recoiled so fast at my words, it was as if I had reached out and smacked him. I immediately wanted to take it all back, but it was too late.

"That's not-how could you think-" Edward stumbled over his words, which was a rare sight. He took a moment to collect himself and then let go of the broom. "You're right," he nodded his head, apparently agreeing with me.

"No, I didn't mean…that. I just-err-I'm sorry," I gave him a wide and toothy fake grin, trying to show him that I was just being a moron, saying things out of anger and annoyance.

"No, uh, you're right. You are a grown woman. I was hoping that it would be seen as a nice gesture, me helping my best friend's girl after his death. Seeing as how you're pregnant with his kid and have no family around here and I thought our friendship extended beyond Jasper's death. I'll leave you be."

His eyes were watery. The whole time I had known Edward, I had only seen him cry three times.

The first was when his niece, Angela, was born premature and they didn't think she'd make it. The second happened at Angela's first birthday because his brother in law started crying at the sight of his daughter being alive and blowing out her candles. Seeing a giant like Emmett breaking down sobbing from pure joy was like a scene from one of those _Hallmark_ movies. Everyone else started crying, even Jasper.

The third time was at Jasper's funeral. I couldn't comfort him then and I couldn't comfort him now.

"No! Hey, wait!"

Edward turned on his heel and marched out the door. He didn't even slam it, though I think the soft click of the door was more of a stab to the chest than a slam would have been. I sighed and rubbed my temples.

"God, I'm such a bitch," I mumbled to myself as I proceeded to sweep up all of the broken glass.

I actually did manage to cut myself, making Edward's worry valid. After bandaging my finger, I decided I'd had enough for the day. I changed into Jasper's t-shirt and crawled into bed.

"I've sure made a mess of things, haven't l, little one?" I rubbed my abdomen.

The doctor said I wasn't far enough along to feel the baby moving or kicking, but I could have sworn I felt something. Probably just gas. The kitten waddled her way onto the pillow, cocked her head, and stared at me. Maybe it was just pregnancy hallucinations, but that stare looked remarkably judgmental.

"You still like me, right?" She mewed and waddled away. "I'm the one that feeds you, remember!" I called to the kitten.

I fluffed Jasper's pillow and fell into a restless sleep.

* * *

**surprise, quick update. though, i think future updates will be around once a week. give or take. thanks to everyone that read the first chap. thanks to MissSnazzy for beta.**

**question - if you have been pregnant, what was your craving/comfort food? i craved subway and chinese food with both mine. **


	3. Chapter 3

_**I still don't own anything. **_

* * *

_**October 19**__**th**_

I was lounging on the couch, snuggling with the kitten when my doorbell rang. I suspected that it was Edward, having returned once he realized that I hadn't meant what I said. He hadn't spoken to me since our little fight and I had grown a little worried-it wasn't like him to hold a grudge. I was surprised that he was ringing the doorbell now, considering that he had a key. I figured that he didn't want to overstep his boundaries after our fight.

"Come in, Edward!" I hollered. The doorbell rang again. "I said, come in!"

Despite my shouts, I didn't hear the sound of a key turning in the lock. Instead, whoever was ringing the doorbell decided to ring it ten times in fast succession. I picked the kitten up, crushing her against my chest as I shuffled across the living room to the door.

I squinted through the peephole and spied a perky blonde ponytail. I rested my forehead against the door and sighed.

"Protect me, kitten." I kissed the squirming animal between the ears and opened my front door.

"You look puffy," Rosalie stated. "Are you eating too much salt?"

She pushed passed me and into the living room, plopping herself down on the couch.

"Hello, Rose. _So_ nice to see you. Please come in and make yourself at home," I spoke pleasantly and smiled like a Stepford wife to the empty spot on the front porch.

"Mmm. Funny."

Rose tucked her feet under her and looked at my expectantly. As soon as I sat down, the kitten leapt from my arms and padded over to Rose. She mewed and tilted her head.

The kitten's behavior seemed to say, _I'm adorable, are you going to pet me or what?_

"Have you picked a name for this thing yet?" Rose asked as she gave into the kitten's demands and began to pet her.

"No. Nothing seems to fit her."

I had found the fuzzy, gray kitten in my garbage can a few days after Jasper's funeral. I had hoped that she somehow made it in there by accident and had not been thrown away by some heartless dick. I rushed her to the vet and though she was a bit too young to be away from her mother, she was reasonably healthy for an animal that had been thrown away.

That night when I was lying in bed, indulging in my grief, she nuzzled my face and licked my salty tears away. That moment solidified our bond and I decided to keep her.

"You know you aren't supposed to clean litter boxes when you're pregnant."

"My Doctor said as long as I wear gloves and wash thoroughly afterwards, I should be fine."

Shit. Edward always offered to clean the litter box.

"Cats aren't good to have around newborns. They can unintentionally smother the baby."

The kitten seemed offended at the suggestion that she would harm an innocent baby. She bit Rose's pinky finger and then took off.

"Damn, Rosie. Would you like to take her home with you?"

"Ha! God, no. She wouldn't last five minutes at my house with the kids. The dog can barely keep up. I don't know what I was thinking, agreeing to have children that were half Emmett."

She smiled, probably thinking some deeply private thought about her husband or her children. I looked away, wondering if I would ever have that small smile on my face when I talked about Jasper.

I must have been lost in thought for too long because when I glanced over at Rose again, she had that look on her that was a mixture of sympathy and worry.

The funeral face, I liked to call it.

It's the expression people have when they walk past you, shake your hand, and say, "He was a good man. I'm so sorry for your loss. If you need anything, let me know, okay?"

It made me want to punch them. Hard. Right in their funeral face. I could accept it from Rose though, considering that Jasper had been her family.

"Why did you say those things to my brother?" she asked suddenly.

Of course this wasn't a casual, social call. She was here because of Edward.

"I don't know. Because he treats me like a baby. Because I'm fifteen weeks pregnant and sick everyday and I'm fucking exhausted. Because I just want to be alone and grieve and I can't because he's always _right there_."

I was crying again. I hadn't been able to cry until the night after the funeral and now, I never seemed to stop. The doctor said it was just hormones. I wasn't sure. Rosalie reached over and grabbed my hand, just letting me do what I needed to do.

"He's grieving too, you know," she spoke quietly once my snot sobbing had subsided. "Jasper was his best friend for his whole life. We all miss him, but you are the only other person that was as close to Jasper as he was. He wants to be around you so much because you can understand what he's going through." I didn't respond, knowing that any kind of excuse for my actions would have sounded lame. "Will you just try and talk to him, please?"

"Yes." We sat in silence for a bit, until a random thought popped into my head. "Rose?"

"Yeah?"

"The first time you found out you were pregnant, how did Emmett respond? I mean, I know he was excited, but like…ugh. I don't know what I'm asking."

"Oh, it was actually quite horrible and sweet at the same time. He got so excited that he grabbed me and spun me around in circles and I threw up on him. My morning sickness was so bad with Angela. He didn't care though. He got down on one knee and proposed."

"But he proposed at your birthday party," I pointed out in confusion.

"Oh yeah. I made him propose to me again. There was no way I was telling people a proposal story that included vomit."

We both laughed and it felt good. I hadn't really laughed in a long time. Of course, the weightless feeling of being at ease with a close friend was short lived once I remembered why I had asked that question in the first place. I never got to see Jasper's reaction to the pregnancy.

"I wish I had found out that I was pregnant before…" I trailed off.

"I know." Rose squeezed my hand. "Edward was there, wasn't he?"

"Yeah."

Edward had dragged me to the ER a few weeks ago after he found me on the bathroom floor hurling my breakfast into the toilet. The doctor, a family friend who had known Jasper and Edward since they were children and had attended the funeral, wasn't sure how to deliver the news. The nurse that discharged me had the nerve to ask if it was Jasper's baby.

It ended up being incredibly awkward and no one knew whether they should apologize or congratulate me, or both. After, there was an even more awkward car ride home that ended with Edward saying he would support me no matter what I decided and that he'd be there for every step. I'm positive that's when my annoyance with Edward's constant hovering actually began.

"Edward really cares about you. You and the baby. Swear you'll call him and apologize."

"I will, I will," I mumbled. Rose clearly got the hint that I wanted to change the subject.

"So! Alice has a new girlfriend. Her name is Victoria and she's a party planner. I'm pretty sure she's already started planning your baby shower."

"Oh jeez. Do I have to?" I whined.

While I loved my unborn child already, the situation wasn't an entirely happy one and celebrating when Jasper couldn't be a part of it just felt wrong.

"Yes, you have to. You still have a few months to adjust to the idea and I'm sure Alice will explain…everything."

"Fine. What's the new girlfriend like?"

I was surprised that Alice hadn't told me, herself. Then again, I haven't been particularly social. I had pretty much stopped picking up the phone and I rarely answered the door these days.

"I don't know. I haven't met her yet. I do know she's a redhead."

"Oh dear. That's not going to end well."

Alice had a penchant for dating redheads and for whatever reason, those relationships always had a disastrous ending.

"No, probably not." She glanced at her watch and I felt a tinge of sadness. My girly distraction time was over. "I'd better go. I left Emmett baking cookies with the twins and Angela has a friend over. The baby is probably awake from her nap. I'm sure my house has burned down by now."

We stood up at the same time and I walked her to the door. She wrapped her arms around me for a hug and the contact was overwhelming. I had been hugged a hundred times since the funeral, but they never felt as good as when it came from someone who had loved Jasper as much as I did. It felt so nice to be comforted that I held onto her for a good minute before releasing her.

"We'll talk soon, okay?" She kissed my cheek and left.

Back to the couch I went, resuming my previous position with a tiny kitten as my shoulder to cry on.

* * *

**_thank you all for reading and the many amazing reviews i've gotten so far. i'm a little surprised that so many people are happy to see me writing again. =D_**

**_makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside._**

**_thanks for RoseArcadia and nikkiwindland (and anyone else i may not be specifically aware of!) for taking the time to pimp me out. _**

**_thank you to MissSnazzy for your beta services. no, you are not fired, nor will you ever be._**

**_and iheartthedoc, i love you just because._**

**_QUESTION - what was your first pet? mine was a black and white shih-tzu named Gizmo. (yea, Gremlins was my fave when i was a kid.) _**


	4. Chapter 4

_**i own two cats but not Twilight. **_

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_**October 21**__**st**_

_You've reached Edward. Leave a message. _

"_Edward... Hey, it's Bella. Though I'm sure you already knew that. Caller ID or whatever. Listen, I wanted to apologize for what I said. I never thought you were trying to replace Jasper. I don't even know where that thought came from. I'm just going through a hard time right now and I know you are, too. Look, just please forgive me. I miss you. You can clean up anything you want. I-err-I'm so sorry, Eddie. Please, please come over. Or call. Whatever. Umm, alright...well... I'm gonna get cut off. See you soon."_

_**October 24**__**th**_

"_Okay, Edward. I get the point. You're pissed at me. That's completely understandable. I said something I shouldn't have. I regret it. Please forgive me. I'm begging for forgiveness. Come over. I really miss you."_

_**October 25**__**th**_

"_So. You haven't returned my calls, yet. Can you please just forgive me? Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please?"_

"_Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please?"_

"_You know I'm not working right now, so I have nothing to do but call you and bug you until you CALL ME BACK."_

_**October 27**__**th**_

"_I'm gathering that you're completely ignoring me. I met Alice's new girlfriend. Your sister sure picks pretty ones. And Rose was right, she's already planning a baby shower. I expect you to be there to save me. Please be there? I miss you."_

"_There is a two-for-one sale on Ben and Jerry's and a Tarantino movie marathon on Spike. I demand you come over. The baby seems to enjoy violence...it moves around when someone dies. Rose thinks it's creepy. Alice thinks it's just gas. Be here soon, okay?"_

"_It was just gas, but don't let that deter you from coming over."_

_**October 28**__**th**_

"_You ignore my calls and today I went over to your apartment and your car was in the driveway but you didn't answer. I'm running out of ways to apologize."_

"_Just so you know, I made brownies. From the good recipe, the one your mom gave me. I brought them with me but since you didn't answer the door I'm going to eat the whole pan by myself. My child is going to be born with cavities because you couldn't open the door. You really want that on your conscience?"_

"_Went to your house, again. I'm slowly turning into a stalker. I don't appreciate that. I know you moved your car around the block. I'm not one of your stupid girlfriends that falls for that. Especially since you and I have laughed about you doing that very thing to get rid of a girl."_

_**October 29**__**th**_

"_You hear that? That's me pounding on your door. I know you are home right now because Emmett just dropped you off. Also, when did you start using the chain lock? I was going to just let myself in but no, you have the chain lock on! Let. Me. In. Fine, fine! Don't think I won't be back."_

"_Ok, I won't be back. Apparently, your neighbors think I'm a psycho because they called the police. Mike couldn't keep a straight face when he came over to the house to tell me. He said the whole station was laughing about it. Can you please start talking to me again so I don't end up having this baby in jail?"_

_**October 30**__**th**_

"_I know you know what tomorrow is. Please, Edward."_

_**October 31**__**st**_

"_It's just not Halloween without you and Jasper. My first Halloween without him and you don't have the nerve to forgive me and help me through this. If you remember correctly, it was at Alice's Halloween party that Jasper kissed me for the first time. That was the first time I met Alice and Rose and Emmett. And Alice's girlfriend puked on Rose's purple velvet heels, remember? Soda came out my nose because I was laughing so hard and Jasper said I was beautiful even with Pepsi dripping out my nose and he kissed me while my face was still sticky and gross. Remember?"_

"_You are obviously too hung up on being pissed at me to remember. Selfish prick. You should be here and you know it."_

_**November 5**__**th**_

"_I'm not calling to apologize for what I said on Halloween. I meant it. You of all people should have known how hard that fucking day was for me. We should have gone through it together. I'm not calling anymore. When you decide to grow up, you know where to find me."_

_**November 22**__**nd**_

"_I'm just calling to let you know I'm going home to Seattle for Thanksgiving. It's going to be interesting dealing with my mom without Jasper around. You can come, if you want. She always liked you. But I suppose you won't. Well, have a good Thanksgiving."_

"_I miss you."_

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**_short chap, but it tells the story i wanted. _**

**_thank you to everyone that reads and reviews. you have no idea how giddy i get when i get a review._**

**_also, i know some people had trouble with reviewing the last chapter, idk, FFn was being a douche i guess. but thanks for trying! =D_**

**_standard loves to MissSnazzy (if you like Twilight/Supernatural crossovers, she is the QUEEN. go check her out.)_**

**_iheartthedoc - hearts_**


	5. Chapter 5

_**I sorta own a house now? but not twilight.**_

_**also, sorry for the long wait, hopefully you forgive me? please? =D**_

* * *

_**November 25**__**th**_

"I just don't know why you decided to keep the baby." My mother suddenly blurted out as she passed me the mashed potatoes. I had been waiting for two days for her to bring up her thoughts on my pregnancy. Still, the timing threw me. My parents' friends suddenly became very invested in the contents of their plates.

"Mom, do we have to talk about this during Thanksgiving dinner?" I looked to my dad for support.

"Renee, can we do this another time? We have guests over." I mouthed an thank-you to my dad from across the table.

"No. Bella needs to understand that's she's ruining her life. She thinks it's all cute baby clothes and toys. It's _hard work_." She stabbed her turkey with her fork to add emphasis to her words.

"I definitely do not think it's all cute baby clothes and toys. I was there for all four of Rosalie's babies. She has twins, remember?"

"Rosalie has a husband." And there it was. My mom's insane thought that somehow Jasper had magically known before I did that I was pregnant, and had gotten that pickup truck to hit him just to get out of being a responsible father. "Being a single mom is incredibly difficult. You're a statistic now. You aren't even working anymore. How are you going to support yourself and a baby? You're gonna end up like one of those girls on Maury. Baby's father disappears and leaves them high and dry and they end up becoming strippers. You can't even dance, Bella!"

"Renee!" My father choked on his green beans. The guests took their plates and went into the kitchen. I don't think mom even noticed.

"It's not like Jasper chose to leave me. He _died_. He didn't even know I was pregnant! As for not working, the school understands my situation and agreed to let me have the year off. Jasper left me everything, and if you remember correctly, he inherited the house we lived in so it's paid off. And he left me all the money his grandfather left him. So I'm nowhere close to having to strip to pay my bills."

"Honey, I'm only trying to let you know it's not going to be easy. You moved three hours away from your family, and that mother of his is surely not going to lift a finger to help you. You should move back home. I've got a nursery all set up." She reached over and patted my hand like that small gesture was going to erase everything she said. It only pissed me off more.

"Well, I'm nineteen weeks, so it's a little late to do anything about it now, even if I wanted to. And I am definitely not moving home. Jasper's whole family is there to help me; Esme, and Rose, and Alice."

"Isn't Alice the…"She leaned her head closer to mine and continued in a whisper, "lesbian one? What would she know about raising children?"

"Mom!" I rested my head in my hands to compose myself. My mother was completely ridiculous. "Being a lesbian doesn't hinder someone's ability to raise children. Alice moved in with Rose when the twins were born to help out. She knows more than I do, and probably more than you." My father did a sort of choke-laugh at my mother's horrified face. There was a brief moment of peace as my mother recovered.

"Well, you're never going to get married now. It's very hard to find a man that will take care of someone else's child," she said causally, picking at her food. That was it. I'd had enough.

"Mom, I don't give a _fuck_, if I never get married. Jasper and I were together for six years, if we had wanted to get married, we would have. I'm perfectly capable of raising this baby by myself." I stood up and dropped my napkin on my plate. "Dinner was very good. Thank you. I'm going home."

"But you're supposed to stay until Sunday." My dad's heartbroken face almost convinced me to stay but my mom's narrowed eyebrows and pursed lips kept me from sitting back down.

"I'm sorry, Dad." I walked around the table and kissed the top of his head. "I'll call you when I get home to let you know I made it safely. Bye Mom."

"Did you hear how she spoke to me?" I heard my mom complain as I walked out of the dining room.

"Did you hear how _you_ talked to _her_?" My father was yelling. _Actually yelling_, standing up against the she-devil in pearls, although, that would have been more helpful about ten minutes ago. I could hear him all the way upstairs in my room as I packed. "No wonder she only visits on holidays." My parents continued to argue as I quietly slipped down the stairs and out the door.

I missed Jasper. He always flirted and charmed my mother so that I could have a peaceful visit with my dad. I could only hope now that the baby had inherited Jasper's charm and would wrap my mother around it's little finger.

As I left the Seattle city limits, my stomach growled and remembered that I never got a chance to eat much of my turkey dinner. I didn't think I could make it the whole three hour drive home without eating. I found an open Burger King off the highway and ate my Whopper meal alone in the empty restaurant. Pathetic didn't begin to describe it.

On impulse, I pulled out my cell and called Edward. And as usual, there were three rings and then his voice mail. Which meant he had his phone, saw it was me, and hit decline. I started to cry, sitting there Burger King, dropping tears into my half-eaten food.

"Are you all right, ma'am?" One of the employees asked, clearly worried. I blew my nose and gave a half smile.

"Yes, sorry. I'm pregnant, hormones and stuff." She accepted the answer with a knowing smile and went back to her duties. My appetite gone, I cleaned up after myself and went back to the car. I didn't feel safe driving while so emotional. I turned on the radio and tried to relax. The radio did nothing to ease my nerves. I heard at least three songs Jasper and I had butchered. I needed Edward. He was the only one that would understand why I was sobbing at a Burger King on the highway, listening to Katy Perry.

I tried Edward's cell again and got voicemail again.

"_Eddie, my trip home was horrible. Mom was a bitch and Dad was a pushover. Jasper would have fixed it. I don't understand why you're so mad at me. Your sisters don't either. But I'm sure you're hearing enough from them right now. Just…I don't think I can make it through Christmas without Jasper."_ _Beep_

"Damnit!" I slapped the steering wheel and quickly redialed. _"Edward Anthony Cullen. You answer my calls! I'm sorry I pissed you off, but fucking get over it already! I need you and I know you need me. You better be at my house by the time I get home, or I swear to God I'll march my ass over to your mom's house and tell her it was you that broke the bay window with the baseball when you were ten and not Jasper. _" I pressed the end button with much more force than necessary and the phone shut off.

A little over three hours later I pulled into the driveway and saw exactly what I had hoped for, Edward was sitting on the porch steps, slumped over with his hands in his hoodie pockets.

"Finally." I sighed dramatically as I plopped down beside him.

"That was pretty dirty, threatening to rat me out to my mom." He said without looking at me.

"Well, it worked didn't it? Should have thought of it weeks ago." I nudged his shoulder with mine to try to ease the tension but it didn't work.

"Look, Bella." He kept his eyes on his lap as he spoke. "Six years ago, when you were first moving into that tiny studio apartment above the Laundromat, I saw you first."

I chuckled, slightly confused. "Okay, and?"

"I saw you first but Jasper was the one that had the balls to talk to you first."

"I don't understand…" I was utterly confused. Then it clicked in my head. "Oh. Oh!"

"Yeah. So when you made that comment about me taking Jasper's place, it really struck a nerve. Because, well, I used to fantasize about that very thing." The tips of his ears were pink. I wasn't sure if it was the brisk air or from admitting something so personal.

"Did Jasper know?"

"Yup. He knew but he also knew that I'd never, _ever _act on it. He was my cousin and my best friend, practically my brother. So I made myself content with just being a best friend to you too. It worked, you know?"

"But all those girls you dated?" He was always bringing over a new girl. Most of them dumb bimbos in my opinion. They usually didn't last long, six or seven months at the most. Jasper would always tease me that I was jealous when Eddie brought new girl over and Alice and I would spend hours mocking her behind her back. Now with Edward's confession, I wondered if Jasper ever worried that I was truly jealous.

"I may have been in love with you for the past six years but I didn't spend that time pining over you like a puppy." My heart skipped a beat. In love? Did he just say in love?

"You're in love with me?" I whispered.

"Yes." He said it so bluntly. "Anyway, then Jasper died and I felt like a dick for loving you. _Then_, when the doctor told us you were pregnant for one very brief, slightly humiliating moment, I imagined it was _our_ baby and that made me feel like even more of an asshole. When you said what you said, man it really fucking threw me because it was so true. Now I'm stuck in this horrible position of wanting to comfort you because you just lost your boyfriend, and selfishly hoping that maybe someday, when you're ready to move on, you might consider me. Not to mention the fact that I'm also trying to come to terms with my own grief for Jazz." He still wouldn't look at me. He was fidgeting, twisting his fingers.

"I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. I never wanted to tell you. I never thought there would be a time when you and Jazz weren't together. You guys were kinda perfect. I feel like I'm betraying him by telling you now." He sighed. I wasn't sure how to respond. We sat in silence for a while, watching the cars driving down the street. Happy families headed home, or to their next Thanksgiving destination.

"This is weird." I finally said, scrunching my nose.

"Yeah. Huh." He reached over and grabbed my hand. "So, I realize it may be awkward now but I want to be there for you and the baby." Edward squeezed my hand and finally returned the shoulder nudge I gave him before. "I am sorry I was being a douche."

"It's okay. Sorry I was a bitch." I rested my head on his shoulder. "Six years. Wow. I can't believe I never picked up on it."

Edward started laughing. "I know. Dude, _everyone_ knew."

"Everyone? Rose, Alice, your parents?" He nodded. "Damn, I must very unbelievably unobservant."

"No, you had most of your attention focused on Jasper."

"I guess. Still, I would have thought Alice or Rose would have said something."

"I asked them not to. This isn't like one those chick flicks that you and my sisters make me watch all the time. I didn't want you to be the girl that realizes on her wedding day the best man is really the one she's meant to be with. You made Jasper happy. I really didn't want to fuck that up."

"I think maybe we have been making you watch too many of those movies. If I didn't realize you were in love with me in six years, I doubt I would have on my wedding day." I chuckled.

"I didn't mean literally, but you know what I'm trying to say, right?" He rolled his eyes.

"Yes." At least I thought I did. If Jasper hadn't died, would Edward really have gone the rest of his life secretly loving me? Was Jasper so confident of our relationship that he never worried about Edward stealing me away or was he that confident in his friendship?

My back started to ache from sitting on the hard porch in the cold. I reached behind me and rubbed my knuckles into the small of my back. Edward gently pushed my hand away and rubbed the tense spot. I closed my eyes enjoying the friendly gesture-something he would have done when Jasper was alive- but when I opened my eyes again, his face was _right there. _There was definite eye contact of a non-friendly nature. I was almost certain his intention had not been to kiss me but there was a charge in the air. A small hitch in my breath and a fizzle/pop feeling in my stomach while we stared at each other. I noticed there were tiny gold flecks in his dark green eyes, and what looked like a chicken pox scar on the left side of his nose. I had never seen these things before though I must have looked at him thousands of times. His warm hand had ceased its movements and was splayed flat on my lower back. I wondered if his hands were always so warm and inviting. Jasper's hands had always been chilly from bad circulation that ran in his mother's family.

And with the thought of Jasper and his cold hands, the spell was broken. The fizzle/pop feeling quickly dissipated and my grief and loneliness returned. I broke eye contact and moved away slightly; and Eddie put his hand back in the pocket of his hoodie.

"Better?"

"A bit, yeah." I lied.

"I have to head back home for pie, want to come? Mom has been asking to see you. She wants to rub your belly and fawn over you. She's a little upset that you haven't been over as much." He was smiling, looking so hopeful. I would have loved to see the Cullens, I had kept myself away from them for too long but I needed to process what just happened between Edward and me.

"No, I'm really tired from the drive and stuff but tell your mom I'll come visit soon." His shoulders dropped a bit.

"All right, we okay now?" I nodded and smiled. "See you later." He kissed my forehead in a friendly way and left. The spot where his lips touched my skin burned well after he left. The situation had become far worse and I realized he and I were so not okay.

* * *

_**so...now you know why Eddie didn't return the phone calls. understandable? maybe.**_

_**thank you for all the lovey reviews i've received so far! you are all awesome! i still can't believe this is getting so much attention.**_

_**check out my beautiful new banner, made by lovely Bedelia. **_

_**thanks to the amazing larin20 for beta! **_

_**question for the chapter - what song do you sing badly to in the car when no one is around? **_

_**me? Glad You Came by The Wanted**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**i don't own anything.**_

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_**November 27**__**th**_

I woke up smelling bacon. At first, I thought it was just a pregnancy thing, I craved bacon so much I was hallucinating it. But then I heard the singing and I wanted to hide under my blankets. The singing meant Edward was in my kitchen cooking breakfast.

We were supposed to be back to being friends, and he wasn't technically doing anything out of line. But now I knew he loved me and there had been that wonky chemistry thing between us and though I tried to so hard to get him back in my life, all I wanted to do now was get rid of him.

I got out of bed and wrapped the comforter around me. The smells of breakfast were making me drool. Edward did know how to cook. He claimed to take cooking class just to pick up girls but I was positive he secretly really loved it.

I peeked my head in the kitchen and saw that he was flipping pancakes and singing along with his iPod. There was a brief moment of guilt for wanting to kick him out. Seriously, what kind of a guy sticks around to help take care of his best friend's girl and child? A good one, one that most girls would die for and I wanted to get rid of him. It was all too soon. Jasper had only been gone a few months and I had not yet come to terms with that, let alone the weird fizzy feeling I had with Edward on the porch.

If those pancakes didn't look so fucking good, he'd be out on his ass.

He finally saw me standing in the doorway and waved. "Hey."

"Hey," I replied. It was then I remembered that I was only wearing one of Jasper's shirts and the comforter. I was suddenly self-conscious and I'm sure it showed. I could feel my face turning an unhealthy shade of red. I pulled the comforter tighter around me. He was smirking at me; I wanted to punch him.

"I made you breakfast."

"I see that."

"Are you going to sit down and eat it?" The smirking continued. Without speaking, I sat at the table and shoved a piece of bacon in my mouth, returning the smirk. Though it was far less satisfying than I thought it would be, with the bacon grease dripping down my chin. He bit his lip to suppress laughter and took the chair across from me. We ate in silence for a few minutes, until Edward casually said, "You know, I've seen you naked like, a half a dozen times."

I threw down my fork. "Ok. We're done. You can leave."

"Hey, you were aware each time, it's not like I was creeping around." He rolled his eyes. "They were all unintentional."

"That does not make it better," I said sharply. They were, admittedly, all unintentional. A few wrong times, wrong place instances and one supposedly hilarious and rather embarrassing drunken night that Rose and I never speak of. Before it hadn't made a difference, I thought of him like a brother. Now it was extremely uncomfortable. "Thank you for breakfast but I'm going to go get dressed. You can see yourself out." I got to my feet and he stood with me.

"Bella, damn, wait." Edward grabbed my wrist loosely. "I'm sorry. I'm only trying to defuse the tension, all right? I'm sorry." He flashed the same stupid fake grin I gave him during our fight.

"Why isn't this more awkward for you?" I whined.

"Because I've had six years to deal with how I feel about you. You've only had a few days. I'll try not to be so obnoxious, I promise. Let's not fight again; I'm only here to help you, nothing more."

I sighed, relenting and returned to my seat. "Okay, okay. Stop being a dick." I kicked him in the shin.

"Ow, fuck!" He laughed and rubbed his leg. "Yes, fine. No dickiness." We ate, talking about the things that needed to be done around the house before the baby came. He thankfully avoided mentioning Jasper's stuff.

When we finished, I started gathering the plates. As I set them in the sink, I felt the strangest sensation in my abdomen. "Oh!" I exclaimed; my hand went instinctively over my still small baby bulge.

Edward was at my side in an instant. "Bella, what's wrong? Are you in pain? Is it the baby?" He put one arm around my shoulders and slid the other arm over my belly. "Do we need to get you to the hospital?" His voice was thick with worry.

"No, I-I think I just felt the baby kick. For real this time." A huge smile grew on my face as I felt it again. A little nudge, nothing more.

"Oh." A grin slowly spread across his face as well.

"There, again!" I took this hand and placed it over the nudge spot. "Feel it?"

"Sorta." He knelt down so his face was level with my bump. "Hey baby. It's your Uncle Edward. I can't wait to meet you. You are going to be one spoiled little kid." He tilted his head up to face me. "Can it hear me?"

"I'm not sure. I think so." I felt all warm and glowy. I couldn't stop grinning and I didn't think Edward could either. It was a happy moment. One I wish Jasper had experienced with me but I wasn't going to let my grief cloud this. Besides, a part of him was still here with me and I'm sure he was watching from wherever he was.

Edward continued talking to my belly. "You are never going to want for anything, little one. And you are going to have the best music taste in pre-school." He kept his hand on me and stood up. I lifted my face and we were so very close to each other. With his arm still around me and our fingers intertwined on my stomach, there was a heat that was _not_ from the motherly feeling. He removed his hand from my back to tuck a stray hair behind my ear. His hand lingered, cupping my neck and tickling my hairline. I wondered what it would be like to lean forward and brush my lips against his. This was not the first time I had wondered what it would be like to kiss Edward, but this was definitely more serious than just a passing curiosity.

He licked his bottom lip with the tip of his tongue and I knew he was contemplating the same thing I was. It would be different for him though; mine an experiment to see if there was actually anything there and him a fulfillment of something he had been wanting for years. I couldn't decide what to do, so I stood, motionless, waiting for him to make the decision.

"Bella, I-" he started, softly but was cut off.

"Hey! Knock-knock! B, you home? The door was unlocked so I…" Alice stopped suddenly as she entered the kitchen. "Oh, sorry, am I interrupting something?" Edward dropped his hand from my neck but not from my belly. Alice was clearly amused at the sight of us; the grin on her face was easy to read.

The baby, thankfully, kicked again and I remember how Edward and I had originally gotten in this position. "The baby kicked! And it's not gas this time! Edward felt it." I shouted, excited all over again. Alice's eyes got as big as saucers and she rushed over, pushing her brother's hand out of the way. It was girly gush time and Alice called Rose, who called Esme and within ten minutes all the Cullen women were feeling my bump, and talking, trying to coax the baby to kick for them.

The baby did not seem to want to put on a show so I called for Edward to come over and talk, it seemed to work before. No response. I called his name a second time and glanced around to see that his keys and his phone were no longer on the counter. He left without saying good-bye.

* * *

_**a step forward, a step backward...**_

_**thanks to larin20 for beta. love you bunches! *smooches***_

_**thanks to Nicffwhisperer, she's has been pimpin' this fic like a mad woman! actually, thanks to EVERYONE that pimps it. love ya!**_

_**also, my lovey, iheartthedoctor, and i are attempting to plan a fandom4pride (LGBTQ) fundraiser. we need all the help we can get. if you are interesting in helping please PM me! =D**_


	7. Chapter 7

_**I don't own anything! especially not Xmas stuff. I am a Grinch. **_

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**_December 10th_**

Alice threw some tinsel on the back of Victoria's head. It attached to her bushy mess of red curls like glue. Alice giggled like a manic while Victoria continued digging through the box of Christmas ornaments. "Stop it, Al. My hair is not your personal plaything." She warned without looking up.

"Oh, I beg to differ." She wrapped her arms around Victoria from behind and whispered in her ear. Knowing Alice, it was something that could not be said in polite company. I turned away. Rose walked past me and squeezed my shoulder.

"Enough you pervs, let's get this tree done." Rose grabbed her sister's ear and pulled her upright. They were forcing me to bring out the tree and decorate. I had been hoping to spend a quiet Christmas alone, not ready to endure the holiday without Jasper but the Cullen women had a special way of ganging up on a girl. Truthfully, they were missing Jasper, too. Jasper had been Mr. Christmas. He lived for the damn holiday-it wasn't going to be the same without him.

Jasper used to have the Christmas music blaring as we decorated the house, Edward would be half in the can drinking eggnog and if Rose happened to be pregnant, she would be munching on my holiday cookies as she hung decorations. Alice would either be flirting or fighting with whomever she was dating at the time. And I would be never more than a few feet from Jasper's side, along for his wild Christmas spirit ride.

This year…this year there are no cookies, no music. Rose wasn't pregnant, that I knew of. Alice has a date, but I'm positive Alice would have a date for the apocalypse. There was no Jasper, and there was no Edward. I sat on the arm of the couch and rubbed my temples.

The girls continued to trim the tree while I composed myself and the kitten was playing with an ornament. "You should name her Christmas." Victoria mused.

"Yea, maybe," I mumbled. Victoria frowned and glanced at Alice for assistance.

"So, how are things with Edward?" Alice asked hesitantly. "He hasn't been around much lately."

"I don't know. Weird. Awkward." I sighed. "He comes over every day and helps me out: cleaning, baby proofing, running errands but we barely speak and it's really fucking uncomfortable. We used to hang out all the time before we lost Jasper. I miss him. I thought we were over this fighting thing."

"It's not about fighting, though." Rose piped up from behind the tree. "He doesn't know what to do. He never in a million years thought you and Jaz wouldn't be together. Now you're single but it's under the worst possible circumstances. He hasn't exactly been handling Jasper's death well, and with things so fucked up between you two, it's almost as if he's lost both his best friends. Plus you're pregnant and he wants to be in the baby's life since Jasper is gone but he doesn't want to overstep his boundaries, which you haven't clearly set so he's unsure of what is going to upset you. He is a bit of a mess right now."

"How the fuck do you know all this?" Alice demanded, moving the top of the tree to the side to see Rose's face.

Rose shrugged. "He calls me after midnight because he knows Jessica still doesn't sleep through the night."

"He can't call me? We used to tell each other everything!" Alice huffed and Victoria rolled her eyes.

"Well, I am the oldest. I _do_ have a bit more life experience."

"Just because you're old doesn't mean you know anything about heartbreak. Plus you've been with Emmett since you were fifteen. He should be talking to someone that understands a broken heart and stuff."

"You did not just call me old." Rose stepped out from behind the tree. I groaned. Rose had been very sensitive about her age since she turned thirty. "When has your heart ever been broken? You flit from one relationship to the next without even batting an eye. Why would Eddie come to you for relationship advice when you've never been in a serious relationship?"

"That is not true!" Alice yelled. The two sisters squared off, facing each other.

"Oh fuck, let it go, Alice," Victoria called from her spot on the floor.

"You've been through more girlfriends than the twins have been through diapers. You are a twenty-four year old barista that who lives at home and still thinks she's going to grow up to be Tinkerbell."

"I _have_ a Masters Degree in social work! It's not my fault I can't find a job!" Alice whined.

"Oh for the love of God." I stood up and grabbed Victoria's arm as I walked to the kitchen, leaving the two sisters to their bickering. I motioned for her to take a seat. "I figured I should rescue you from the possible carnage."

"Thanks. Are they always like that?" She seemed a little shell-shocked.

"Yes. Would you like some tea? I've been craving it lately." She nodded and I put an old kettle on the stove that had once been Jasper's grandmothers. "Rose is the serious one, Alice is the party-girl and for some reason, when it comes to who knows what's best for Edward they go at each other's throats. But they always make up in the end."

We sat in silence listening to the sister's scream obscenities at each other, waiting for the tea to be done. I set Victoria's mug in front of her and took my seat, hastily propping my swollen feet up on another chair.

Victoria wrapped her hands around the mug and stared into it. "When I was in college I had this girlfriend named Carmen. We met as freshman and were pretty much inseparable. After finals sophomore year we decided to go on a camping trip with some friends. On the Oregon border, you can go whitewater rafting, and being college kids we took a shitload of booze. The third night of our trip, Carmen and her brother James and another friend, Kate, had the brilliant idea that they would do the rapids drunk. The rest of us were too fucked up to really stop them, and they lasted about ten minutes I think, before the raft tipped and they all drowned." She looked up and I expected her eyes to be wet but they weren't, they were surprisingly clear.

"I'm so sorry. I actually think I remember hearing about that." I wanted to give her comfort but her hands were still wrapped around the mug, not exactly inviting touch.

"Yes, you probably did. It was all over the news, then some conservatives made a bigger deal about it and used it as an example of the dangers of underage drinking, and it was very public for a while. I know Carmen and I did not have the commitment you and Jasper did but I still loved her. I miss her every day." She sighed and returned to staring into the tea. "The point of all this is, I did not have an Edward when I lost Carmen. I hadn't come out of the closet to my parents yet and her parents had lost both their children plus they didn't know about me, either. Our little circle of friends fell apart because we blamed ourselves and each other. I think you are very lucky to have him. I wish there had been someone for me to lean on."

"It's not that I don't want him around, well for a while I didn't but it's the fact that I don't feel what he feels and I think it's too soon."

"But what's too soon? Forgive me for sounding harsh but Jasper isn't coming back. Don't you think Jasper would rather you be with his best friend, someone he knows will take care of you and the baby and treat you both as you deserve, than some random guy, who may or may not be good for you?"

"I don't need some guy to take care of me," I said sharply. I didn't like the direction this conversation was taking.

"No, but isn't nicer to have someone around? Especially someone that is going through the same thing as you? I'm not saying you need to jump right into something with Edward but at least try and get over the awkwardness." She shrugged and half smiled at me.

I wanted to be angry, this girl was practically a stranger. I'd only been around her a handful of times, and she was trying to give me advice on my love life? Fuck that. But as I met her gaze, I did see sadness and vulnerability I recognized in myself. Maybe she did know what she was talking about.

"I'm not sure I know how to do that," I said simply, my eyes dropping to my own tea. I wondered if the swirls could give me answers. Maybe I should read up on reading tea leaves, and then buy actual tea leaves instead of the bags. I doubted the bags could open up mystical secrets. "How long did it take you before you started dating again?" I asked without looking up.

"Well, my situation is a bit different because it eventually came out Carmen was more than just my best friend and my parents freaked and kicked me out of the house. But I'd say after about seven or eight months I started dating again. Nothing serious, but ya know, getting out there."

"Edward is in love with me, though, and has been since I moved here. I mean, I do care about him. Once he had pneumonia and I stayed over at his apartment for three days taking care of him because Esme and Carlisle were out of town. And sometimes when I look at him…" _I feel like I mixed soda and rockpops in my stomach_, I continued in my head. I couldn't admit that out loud. That admission would make things a bit too real for my taste. I could say it in my head all I wanted but actually speaking the words was something else entirely.

Thankfully, my heart to heart with Victoria was interrupted. "Okay, we're done fighting! Let's finish this tree," Alice yelled from the living room.

"I'll be out in a minute. It takes me awhile to get motivated enough to get up off my ass these days." Victoria smiled at my weak joke and placed her mug in the sink. I sat there for a moment and tried to sort through the crazy in my head. I wondered how long I'd been looking at Edward and seeing more than just a friend.

* * *

_**Developments? maybe. stay tuned...same bat-channel, same bat-time!**_

_**thank you to everyone that reads and reviews. even the guests (though i can't respond to you!) even the people that don't review. **_

_**The Lemonade Stand, NicffWhisperer, Fanfic Angst h00rs - thank you guys for pimpin' and rec'in and be generally awesome. **_

_**speshul thanks to larin20 for fixing my hilariously badly mistakes.**_

_**also, we are still trying to get the fandom4pride thing going so if you are able/willing to help, please let me know! **_


	8. Chapter 8

_**own anything, i don't**_

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_**December 31**__**st**_

Only ten p.m. and I had no desire to stay up and watch the ball drop. I watched the Times Square one already online, which was good enough for me. Pregnancy made me unbelievably tired and the past week hadn't helped much.

Christmas with the Cullens had been one group activity after another. It wasn't terrible, just everyone was forcing happiness and trying to keep Christmas the same even though Jasper was gone. I did make away with some pretty awesome gifts, including the super soft maternity pj's from Esme I was slipping into when someone started pounding on my door.

Forks wasn't exactly crime central, but growing up in Seattle made me wary of unexpected visitors at night. I grabbed my pepper spray and peaked out the window. I saw a familiar leather jacket and unruly hair. Butterflies appeared in my stomach. Though he'd been around for all the family Christmas stuff, we never got a chance to speak privately. I wasn't sure what he was doing here so late on New Year's Eve. I opened the door and Edward was leaning against the frame.

"Bella-ella-ding-dong!" He slurred loudly.

"Fuck, Edward! Have you been drinking?" He smiled and put his finger and thumb close together to indicate a little bit. "Did you drive here?"

"Nope. Walked. Irina had a party, blah blah blah." He waved his hand in a circle as he spoke. I rolled my eyes. Irina was an on/off again fling of Edward's, though it had been about a year since the last on. She was a mega-bitch, too. She and I did not get along, though now I wondered if I knew the real reason why she so strongly disliked me. I smiled at the thought that Irina was the runner up and she probably knew it.

"You're fucking Irina again?" I asked in a bitchy tone to purposefully to antagonize him.

"No." He shot me a dirty look. "I don't think I'll be doing that ever again." That particular statement was heavy with multiple implications. I didn't say a word, just stood there staring at him stupidly. He leaned his head back against the doorframe and closed his eyes. "I don't want to go home tonight, Bella." Edward whispered.

"You can crash on the couch." I moved to the side to let him in but he didn't move.

"I miss him a lot. I wouldn't be partying at Irina's on New Year's Eve if he was alive. I'd be here in my pj's with you and him making s'mores over a candle and drinking cheap champagne from plastic cups and camped out in the living room like a middle school sleepover. And you would fall asleep about ten minutes after the ball dropped and Jazz would kiss your eye lids and cover you and-." He stopped abruptly and sighed.

"Edward, please come in." I placed my hand on his arm and led him inside. He followed and pushed the door shut behind him. "Do remember the last time you ate?" He shook his head no. "I'm gonna make you something to eat. Just, um…just sit down." Edward flopped onto the couch and rested his head in his hand.

"Something to eat, something to eat." I mumbled to myself as I searched the kitchen for a quick fix. I found the ingredients for one of Jazz's favorites: grilled ham & Swiss cheese. Which caused a twinge in my heart that could have been grief, or annoyance. I wasn't sure which. I was tired of things reminding me of him repeatedly, like a Band-Aid being ripped off every day. Yet, I wasn't able to stomach putting his things away and apparently I was subconsciously still putting his favorite foods on the grocery list. And then there was Edward, with his messy hair that wasn't quite red and not quite brown and that jaw line I admired from time to time even when I was with Jasper. He made me twinge but definitely not near my heart.

I was a fucking disaster.

"Belly-O, you asleep in there?" Edward slurred loudly from the living room.

"Yes, um, be ready in a jif!" Jif? Did I really just say jif? Whatever. I made the damn sandwich and fished a bag of chips out of my secret munchies hiding spot. "Come get your food you fucking drunk!"

"Aww, you're so fucking sweet." He was smiling but he wasn't a real smile like a real Edward smile where his eyes light up. He gobbled down the sandwich and ate half the bag of chips in what seemed like only a minute. His eyes looked a little less glassy after eating.

"Better?" I reached over and tried to smooth his hair. I did it without really thinking, something I just needed to do. Very quickly, I came to my senses and pulled my hand away.

"You don't have to stop," he whispered. He was staring at his empty plate.

"Yes, I do." My voice was sadder than I expected it to be. Sighing in frustration at myself, I grabbed his plate and took it to the sink. Suddenly, I was trapped between hands on the counter. Edward was pressed against my back, his forehead against my neck. I didn't even hear him get up.

"We can't keep doing this. Walking on eggshells around each other." He said into my hair. I shivered at the feeling his breath on my skin. "If nothing else we're friends. We were a trio and now it's just us. I can handle not being with you, because I'm used to it. Nothing would be changing for me, but I can't handle not being your friend."

"We_ are_ friends. I just made your drunk ass a fucking sandwich at ten thirty at night. If that's not friendship, I don't know what is." I joked, attempting to down play the intensity of our current situation.

"Stop fucking being such a smart ass for a minute and _talk to me_." He paused, "And don't say, 'Oh I am talking to you'." He mocked my voice.

"You're drunk. I'm not talking to you about…whatever it is we need to talk about." I turned on the water to rinse off the dish.

"Turn around." I ignored him. "Turn around Isabella." I didn't move. I couldn't move. I couldn't turn around. I _refused _to turn around. What I wanted to do was wash this dish, go to bed, and end another day. I didn't want to face Edward and his feelings and my feelings; whatever they may be. But what I wanted didn't matter to him, he took the dish from my hand and let it clatter against the sink. He spun me around and his lips were mere centimeters from mine.

Before I could object, making up some lame excuse to put off this discussion yet again, his lips were on mine. Barely there at first, almost hesitant. I thought about pushing him off, but that fizzy pop feeling started growing and his lips felt so damn good pressed against mine. I returned the kiss and it didn't feel wrong, it was weird but not a bad weird. When I gave in, his kiss became bolder. He pushed himself hard against me, his hands in my hair, and I lost myself.

And then it was over. He kissed me lightly on my hairline and put his forehead against mine. "I'm going to bed now. Thanks for the sandwich." He left the room leaving me dazed, smiling like a goon, and wondering what the _fuck_ just happened.

* * *

_**whoa, mighty big step forward...**_

_**will there be a step back? stay tuned...**_

_**standard thank yous to everyone. everyone that reads, reviews, doesn't review but still reads, pimps, talks about, shares, etc i love ya!**_

_**special thank yous to larin20, queen of editing. **_

_**also, i have a bit of a surprise for this. something that's been asked for and i had some free time...but i shall post it separately, so make sure you have me on author alert. i'll post it in the next day or so. be on the look out!**_


	9. Chapter 9

_**i own a pink Susan G. Komen edition of The Fantastic Four. (btw, there are more editions coming out, a pink Wolverine, Thor, etc. check it out if you are a comic book fan!)**_

* * *

_**January 2**__**nd**_

"What was it like? Was it sweet? Or was it all hot and heavy?" Alice squealed and bounced a little on Rose's couch.

"Ally cat, why exactly would you want to know those kinds things about your own brother?" Emmett stopped and seemed to wonder while changing Jessica's diaper on the floor. He sounded a tad disgusted, though it could have been from Jessica's poopy diaper. Rose was perched with her legs tucked under her in the loveseat, drinking a mimosa and watching Emmett with a highly amused expression.

"Less talking, more changing," she said. Emmett mumbled something under his breath but Rose quickly responded, "I'm sorry, what was that?"

"I will never again come home at three in the morning from boy's night so piss drunk that I wake up all the kids in the house," he said in a monotone voice. That was probably the third time I had heard him say that in the hour I'd been at Rose's. He finished Jessica, put her in the playpen, and picked up Benjamin. At least I thought it was Benjamin, I got him and Alistair mixed up sometimes.

"How long is he on punishment for?" I asked Rose.

"He is in charge of all four kids, all day, while I sit back and relax." She was definitely buzzing already. As if on cue, Angela came running in the living room all excited about something.

"Mommy! I painted the bathroom!" She grinned.

"Oh, yeah? Better show Daddy!" Rose said, looking at Emmett and suppressing a laugh.

"Come on, Daddy!" She started tugging on his shirt. Emmett groaned, put Ben back in the playpen, and picked up the whole damn thing, with all three kids inside and followed Angela to the bathroom. Us girls found the whole thing quite humorous.

"So back to this kiss, Bella." Rose directed the conversation back to me.

"I don't know. It was a kiss. It came out of nowhere and ended just as fast." I felt heat creeping up my neck.

"Was it good or bad or what?" Alice asked.

"It-it was good." I grinned; remembering just how good it was. Alice and Rose shared a look.

"I can't believe he didn't say anything. I figured if he ever got to kiss you he'd be shouting it from the rooftops." Rose pouted. She had gotten use to being Edward's confidant. Alice looked cheerful that she finally wasn't the only one out of the loop.

"Well the weird thing is, he wasn't there when I woke up the next morning. He was already gone." I had to admit, even though the kiss had confused my feelings even further, I had been disappointed and a little hurt to not find him still on my couch. "Do you think he regrets it?" I wondered aloud, nervously chewing on my lip.

"Do _you_ regret it?" Rose asked as she swirled the last of her mimosa around.

"No. Yes. No." I rested my head against the back of the couch and stared at the ceiling for a few moments to clear my thoughts. "It was a great kiss. There was definitely _something_ there but things are still confusing for me. I honestly don't know what I want." The baby felt like it was doing somersaults in my womb; I rubbed my belly as if it would calm it down. "I need to worry about the baby first."

"Speaking of baby, are you ever going to tell us the sex?" Alice knelt over and placed a hand on my now quite large belly.

"Nope. I told the doc I wanted it to be a surprise."

"Lame," she mumbled.

"Are you ever going to tell me anything about the baby shower?" I hadn't heard anything more about this mysterious baby shower since she first told me about it.

"It's going to be next month. At my parent's house. Girls only, of course. And since you _refuse_ to find out the sex, it's going to be themed Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. Dark blues and yellows and stuff."

"Aw, that sounds kind of cute. I love it." I picture little stars and lights and I genuinely liked the idea.

"Vic is having it catered, too."

I suddenly felt overwhelmed with love for my friends and pseudo-family. Even though Jasper was gone, they still treated me as one of their own, and I was certain they would do it even if I wasn't pregnant.

"Uh- oh, pregnancy water works,." Rosie commented as she handed me a tissue. I dabbed my eyes and blew my nose, as Alice gently brushed my hair from my face.

"Fuck that happens _all the time_ now." I said, grabbing another tissue.

"Pfft. Think it's bad now? Just wait until it's two a.m. in the morning, your breasts are leaking, you haven't slept in three days, you can't remember the last time you showered or eaten and the baby will not stop crying no matter what you do." She so calmly described such a vivid scene for as she poured more mimosa into her glass from the pitcher on the table.

"Thanks for that, Rosie. Thanks, _so much_." I flipped her off and she laughed. "Honestly though, I don't know how I'm gonna do this." I felt the emotion bubbling up my chest.

"B, you know we're going to be there to help you every step of the way." Alice comforted me as she reached over and squeezed my hand.

"I know, I know. I am extremely grateful for you guys but it's just not the same as if Jasper were here. He was always so easygoing and relaxed. He was so great with kids. Remember when the twins were super colicy and you and Em both had the flu and Jasper rocked them for two hours to calm them down?" The tears were rolling down my cheeks. I wiped them off with an angry swipe of my hand. "Will I ever stop doing that?" I cried in frustration. "Why did he have to die?" I was full on snot sobbing. Alice scooted closer to me, while Rose set her glass down and joined us on the couch. They both enveloped me in a tight embrace. After a few moments, I realized they were also crying.

Jasper had been practically a brother to them. With Maria as a mom and his father passing away when he was a child, he grew up at the Cullen's. Sometimes, when I was lost in my own grief, I forgot there were other people that were hurting just as much as me. I forgot that no matter how alone I_ felt_, I was never truly alone. I have the Cullens. I had Edward.

It wasn't long after our little sob fest that Emmett came back into the living room, completely covered in makeup. He resembled a deranged clown. He flopped down on the loveseat Rose had previous occupied.

"There was fingernail polish and finger paints everywhere. And then Angela wanted to give me a makeover. And watching Angie put makeup on me was the only thing that kept Jessica from crying. Then the boys took their diapers off and peed on the floor. And this all happened at the same time!" He seemed a little shell-shocked.

Rose started laughing first, then me, followed closely by Alice. The more offended Emmett looked, the more hilarious it became. Rose actually snorted.

"Haha, yeah so funny. I'm the stupid dad, and it's so entertaining." He tried to act mad but he failed, we saw the smile cracking through. "Do I at least look hot?" He pursed his lips and did a sassy pose . which made us laugh more.

Just like that, the dark cloud was lifted. My grief was put on the backburner, remembering I had people in the land of the living to care for.

* * *

**uh oh, Edward disappeared. what's up with that?! **

**it may or may not be heartfaily. **

**well, there's guaranteed heartfaily things up ahead (it is ME, afterall. godforbid i write happy people) but Edward's disappearing act may or may not be it. **

**muuahahahaha. **

**okay, enough of the looney punk, thank you to everyone that reads, reviews, reads but doesn't review, pimps, and/or simply talks about this fic. i heart you muchly. i really really do.**

**i also love larin20, who corrects my mistakes and is my dork in crime.**

**don't forget to check out First, the EPOV companion to this. i just posted the 2nd chapter. **

**thank you everyone!**


	10. Chapter 10

_**i own a new kitty that i adopted from the shelter last week but not twilight.**_

* * *

_**January 11**__**th**_

Word eventually got around to me, via the Cullen female pipeline that Edward had left me on New Year's Day because of a work emergency. And it was most definitely not by choice.

His job never made sense to me: A bunch of computer lingo that I would never completely understand no matter how often he tried to sit me down and explain it to me. It allowed him to work from home and work odd hours. But occasionally, when there was an issue he had to leave ASAP and get on a plane to Denver.

He hadn't contacted me much though, and that made me anxious. One lonely text that said, _"We need to talk face-to-face when I get home."_ The days of silence gave me way too much free time to ponder my new feelings and the validity of his. Rose told me several times not worry but how could I not? We fight, then we kiss, then I wake up and he's disappeared.

So when my phone chirped with the message _he was coming home tonight_, I was a little giddy. I think I redid my hair about twenty times. I tried to find something attractive to wear but determined there is no such thing as sexy maternity clothes.

It wasn't until late afternoon I actually stopped and considered what I was doing. I wasn't a girl preparing to see her best friend, I was a girl getting ready to see her crush. The kiss had clearly changed everything, or maybe it had made me realize something that had always been there, just lingering below the surface.

My love for Jasper never wavered, I was solely his when he was alive but there was the possibility I always felt something for Edward, something that went beyond mere friendship. By chance, Jasper was the one to talk to me first, but what if it had been Edward instead? I would never know but possibly, now I had to chance to find out.

By dusk, I was on the couch flipping through channels like a lunatic, bouncing my leg. The baby was doing somersaults; maybe it was excited to see Edward, too?

Evening turned to night and I was dozing with the kitten when I finally heard a knock on my door, following by the scraping sound of a key turning a lock. I quickly jumped up and wiped my sleepy drool off my chin.

"Hey." Edward grinned at me as he set his bag on the floor.

"Hey," I replied, feeling a bit shy. We stared at each other for a moment, goofy smiles on our faces, unsure of what to say and where to go from here. He was the one to break first, looking down at the kitten as she rubbed against his leg.

"How are things?" He asked as he continued petting the cat.

"Fine. How was your trip?"

"Uneventful." He shrugged. "I bought the baby a teddy bear from the airport. My flight was delayed so I had time to kill." Edward reached into his backpack and pulled out a fuzzy brown bear.

"Aw. It's cute," I said as he handed it to me. I hugged it against my protruding belly. "Thank you."

"Welcome." He started fiddling with his spacer. I braced myself for what he might have to say. "I missed you," he said, softly.

"I missed you, too." My smile growing as I felt a warmth spread through me.

Edward was still kneeling on the ground; the cat had jumped inside the bag to investigate. The front door was still open and I noticed luggage on my porch. "Did you come straight from the airport? That's a lot for just a few days."

"Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about." Edward looked away as he stood up and shuffled his feet.

"Okay." My smile falling slightly from confusion.

"The other day, I was talking to my sisters and they mentioned how upset you were at the thought of doing the whole single parent thing. I hate the thought of you doing this alone. And I know you are going to argue with me about how you are an independent woman and you can do it alone but spare me. You need my help, so I've decided I'm going to move in with you." He met my eyes during the last sentence, but he stepped backward as if I might attack him.

"Wait." I gestured for him to stop, I wasn't sure I heard him correctly. "Repeat that please?"

"I am moving in here," he said slowly.

I continued to stare, dumbfounded. "I'm sorry; did you just say you are moving in here?"

"Yes. I subleased my apartment to a friend and…"

"Who the hell do you think you are?" I exploded, suddenly angrier than I think I had possibly ever been. "You can't just move into _my_ house!"

"I can. And I will." The nervousness was gone from his face, it was pure stubbornness now.

"You think after one kiss you can just waltz right into my house and take Jasper's side of the bed? Fuck. You."

"Bella, just shut the fuck up!" He threw his hands in the air, exasperated. "I'm sick of that shit, all right? I would never, ever try to replace Jasper. You know why?" Annoyed, I gestured for him to continue.

"Because no one will ever be able to replace him in _my_ life. What I am trying to do is help my family. That baby is my family, _you_ are my fucking family. You became my family when you fell in love with my cousin. And I realize your own family is fucked up but in my family we do whatever we have to do to take care of each other."

He stopped talking and ran his fingers through his hair, tugging on the ends. He did that when he was stressed.

I started to say something but he held up his finger.

"I said no talking. Look, I know you can do this by yourself. I _know_ that. But you deserve help. You aren't working, and though the house is already paid off, you still have utilities and other needs. Plus all the baby stuff, and you probably won't go back to work until August, at least, if you have a reliable sitter. Jasper's inheritance will last a long time but not forever."

Money was definitely a major concern of mine but I wasn't going to let him know that, not now anyway.

"I am fine financially," I said through gritted teeth.

"Don't lie to me. What about the fact that if you don't get enough sleep you are a demon bitch straight from hell? You know I stay up half the night and hardly sleep. I can feed a baby and look at a computer screen at the same time. I know how to change a diaper, how to install a car seat, and my singing voice has been known to soothe babies. Well, Rosie's babies."

He stepped toward me and placed his hands on my shoulders. Earlier today that might have brought on the fizzy-pop feeling but now it only pissed me off. I tried to shrug him off but was unsuccessful. He took my chin in his hands and tilted my face up to him.

"This baby is going to grow up without its dad. Jasper lost his dad to cancer when he was only six, and then my dad stepped in. I know for a fact that Jasper told you on several occasions that as much as he loved my dad he missed his own father. I refuse to let my best friend's kid grow up without some kind of father figure in it's life. I'm stepping in, not replacing. And Jasper would have done the same for me if the situation was reversed."

He released my chin and looked at my feet. There were tears in my eyes, partly caused by anger and partly caused by that fact that he was right. If Edward had died and left behind a child, Jazz would have stepped in, and if I didn't go along with it, that probably would have been a deal breaker to him. Family is very important to the Cullens, more so than in my family.

"Fine." I relented. "But don't you dare go in the spare room where his things are."

"I wouldn't dream of it. The attic used to be a bedroom when we were kids; I'll just fix it back up. Until then I'll just sleep on the couch."

"Whatever," I replied, bitterly. Just because I said yes, didn't mean I was particularly happy about it.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry I ambushed you. But sometimes I think that's the only way to deal with you." He chuckled and I glared at him. "Too soon?" I visualized daggers come out of my eyes.

He let go of my other shoulder but as I started to turn to go mope in my bedroom, he spoke again, "One last thing. Please."

I groaned loudly to show my irritation.

"That kiss…that kiss was perfect. For me anyway. I realized that this stunt will probably fuck up anything that kiss may have started but I swear that my living here is just as help. Nothing more. Anything that _may_ happen between us will only be if you instigate it. If nothing ever happens, and we just stay close friends forever, then I'll be fine with that." Edward looked a little sad as he seemingly gave up hope on us. I turned my back without responding.

As I walked to my bedroom, I realized I felt a little sad, too.

* * *

**oh the drama. Edward is doing what he thinks is right...however misguided it may be...**

**so, a few weeks ago my laptop crashed and burned and i lost a few chapters i had already written. though i now own a pretty little flash drive and things are backed up, i still need to rewrite some chapters. that means a time-frame for future updates is undetermined. sorry guys. **

**however THANK YOU to all the wonderful people that read and review and pimp and whatever. you are all awesome! **

**thanks to Larin20, i love you even though you are a conservative. lol**

**First will be updated shortly! **


	11. Chapter 11

_**i don't own twilight or any of its character but thanks to Xmas i am now the proud owner of Hermione and Voldemort's wands, a Harry Potter Lego set, a Perry the Platypus pillow pet and a collection of maps from Game of Thrones. =D**_

* * *

_**February 2**__**nd**_

Edward walked out of the bathroom, through the living room, and into the kitchen. He reemerged a few minutes later with a Monster and a bagel, and then walked back through the living room to the stairs. He did this wearing nothing but his boxers.

I couldn't help appreciating the sight of his beautiful half- naked body but my resentment of him was still lingering.

Since moving in, Edward had torn apart the attic and began rebuilding it, although I wasn't allowed to see it until it was finished. Emmett had been helping him and he apologized to me every chance he got.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. He asked me to help before Rose had gotten the chance to explain the situation," he said and gave me his best puppy dog face. Every time I would assure him that none of this was his fault. The whole Cullen clan was stuck in the middle of our war; no one wanted to take sides, but everyone wanted to help.

I blamed no one but Edward and of course myself for agreeing to this madness. At first we barely spoke and I tried to kick him out on an almost daily basis. It wasn't until Carlisle came over that I cooled off a little.

"Bella, please be mad at me. I put this idea in Edward's head." Carlisle said sheepishly one afternoon about two weeks after Edward moved in. I was too shocked to respond. He continued, "Jasper was important to all of us, but most of all to you and Edward. I thought you two would do better if you were able to lean on each other. I was hoping that Edward would take a mature approach and actually discuss this with you, but I suppose that's asking too much."

I gave Carlisle an incredulous look and he laughed. "I know, I know. The point is, you don't have to do this alone and as a family, we aren't going to let you. Edward can be there during times the rest of us can't, and I think he would benefit from being around the baby. He misses Jasper more than anyone can imagine. He really needs this, and I'm willing to bet you do, too."

After our talk, Carlisle went to the attic, and let his displeasure with Edward springing this whole thing on me known. Carlisle never raised his voice but I could hear the disappointment. I knew how much Edward hated disappointing his father. I promised myself I would be nicer.

And I _was_ nicer: for about two days. Then he dared to move some things around to make himself more comfortable on a day when I was in a bad mood, thanks to my swollen feet and not being able to get on shoes. I blew up and we had been at a standstill ever since.

My heart hurt. I cried at night. Being pissed at Edward did nothing to lessen the feelings I had for him but my feelings did nothing to lessen my anger. There were times when I wasn't even sure who I was really mad at. Myself, Edward, or Jasper.

This house had been Jasper's and mine. We moved in here after a little two years together, and we made it _ours. _I felt like it was mine to protect. Rose said I was "nesting". Alice said "I was being a bitch". Either way, Edward was invading the space I had created with Jasper. No matter how much I genuinely understood his reasoning, I couldn't help but feel like my life with Jasper was slowly slipping away.

I pushed myself of the couch with great effort and waddled to the kitchen. Big fat belly or no, the house still needed to be cleaned. I turned on my iPod and got to it.

No more than five songs later, Edward scared me by tapping me on the shoulder. "Fuck!" I shouted, jumping a little. "What do you want?" I grumbled as I turned off my iPod.

"Can you come to the attic for a minute?" he asked quietly.

"I don't feel like walking up there right now."

"Please? There's something I want to show you." He started pouting and I knew he would not leave me alone until I agreed.

"Fine." I followed him through the house and up the stairs. At the top step, before he opened the door, he stopped.

"Close your eyes," he said.

"Edward, I am thirty weeks pregnant. I am not walking anywhere with my eyes closed."

"I won't let you fall. Trust me, please?" He seemed, I don't know, excited about something. I groaned to show him my irritation and then closed my eyes. He grabbed both my hands and guided me up the remaining stairs. "Just a few more steps. There, open your eyes."

I opened my eyes and gasped at the sight. The attic was completely transformed. With Edward at the house, I had spent most of my days at Rose's and never had any idea what they were doing in the attic.

What was once a big open space, filled with junk older than the house, was now obviously a good-sized bedroom. A _girl's_ bedroom. The walls were painted a soft purple and there was a huge window letting in just the perfect amount of light.

"Edward…what did you do?" I wondered aloud in awe.

"I made this for you." He was still gripping my hand.

"What?"

"It's not finished, but when it is, this room will be yours. It's a little bit bigger than your bedroom downstairs." He released my hand and walked over to a newly added wall with a space for a door. "And in here will be a nursery. And over here." He rushed over to another new door. "This will be your own bathroom. With one of those claw footed tubs, I remember you always mentioning to Jazz about how you wanted one." He was so animated, clearly proud of his work. "We still have a ton of work to do but Emmett assures me that it should be done by the time the baby is born. Maybe a few weeks after if we hit any bumps. What do you think?"

I stood there, speechless, and amazed. It took a few moments for me to recover and when I did; my mind was overrun with questions. "Edward, why did you do this? _How _did you do this? Can you afford it? I thought you were going to take the attic?"

"I wanted to do this for you. I want to be a part of your life, a part of the baby's life. I don't plan on moving out, and I figured it would be more comfortable for you if you had your own space." He shrugged. "And your own bathroom."

"Again, how did you afford this? I can't accept something this extravagant."

"I'm a single guy with a really good job. I have practically no expenses and I'm very good at saving. Plus having Emmett help cuts down on costs. Don't think of it as a gift, necessarily. Think of it as…something that will make our living situation more bearable."

Edward stepped closer to me, a little more subdued. "I'm not kidding when I tell you I'm not leaving. I am sticking around for this." He placed his hand on my belly and I shivered. This was the most intimate contact we had since the kiss. "And for you. In any way that you'll have me." He was doing that smoldering thing that both annoyed and excited me. He twisted a loose tendril of my hair around one of his fingers, smiling slightly as he released it.

Edward leaned forward just enough for me to know he was going to kiss me, breaking his promise of waiting for me to act first. I felt dizzy; it was all too much.

"Wait." I placed a hand on his chest, pushing him away. He stopped but didn't remove his hand from my belly. His expression was unreadable.

I thought I might burst, staring at him in the room he built for me with the sun shining softly around us. "I need to think. Five minutes ago, I was still furious with you for invading my house. Ten minutes before that, I was admiring your half-naked body, and now I feel like if I don't kiss you, I will break into a thousand pieces. This can't all be pregnancy hormones!" I bunched his shirt into my fist and pulled him toward me but not to kiss him, I rested my head against his chest.

"I love you," he whispered in my ear.

"Don't say that please." I squeezed my eyes shut to keep from crying. Very gently, he pulled his shirt out of my grasp and stepped back.

"I told you, I am always going to be here for you and for the baby but you need to decide. I'm not saying today, but I'm not going to wait around for another six years."

"It's only been six months! Stop pressuring me!" I cried, my tears winning out and spilling down my cheeks.

"Stop fucking with my head!" he shouted back. "One minute you want me, the next you hate me. I know I fucked shit up when I moved in here but you need to forgive me or you don't. No matter what I'm still supposed to be your friend and sometimes I don't think you even want that." He rubbed his hands over his face and took a deep breath. "I'm going to go pick up some things we need for up here. I'll be back whenever."

He took off down the stairs and when he slammed the front door, it made me jump. Edward was not a door slamming type of person. I slumped to the floor, knowing I was going to regret it when I tried to get my big pregnant ass up. Edward was right; I had to make some sort of decision.

* * *

_**oh Bella...**_

_**sorry for the length of time between updates, hopefully the next wait won't be as long! =D**_

_**thanks for for sticking with me and being patient and reviewing and pimpin' and loving the story. **_

_**thanks Larin20!**_


	12. Chapter 12

_**I own nothing**_

* * *

_**February 16**__**th**_

I was already awake when Alice's text message came through. It read, "_shower day!_" complete with over enthusiastic smiley emoticons. I sighed and pulled the blanket over my head, trying to bury myself. I had no desire to face this day. I had been looking forward to the shower, a day with just the girls, until both my mom and Jasper's mom agreed to come. They did not particularly like each other, which was hilarious to me because they were equally judgmental. The only difference was the type of judgment: Maria's was the snotty _my family has money_ type and my mom's was some sort of Irish Catholic thing that I never really understood. It was exhausting.

I was attempting to roll myself out of bed when I heard Edward stomping down the steps. Yet another reason I wanted to hide under the covers all day. I had apologized. He shrugged it off and claimed his outburst was from a mixture of lack of sleep and too many energy drinks.

I didn't believe him, mostly because Edward was a lifelong insomniac and lack of sleep had never bothered him before. The other reason was that he stopped trying. We merely existed together in the house. He kept working on the attic and still refused to move out, but it was as if we had no history at all. Before, our fighting at least showed some passion, some kind of emotion. Edward seemed so empty. We spoke but it was more like two random roommates than two friends.

I wasn't entirely sure it was all because of my rejection though. I caught him in the spare room, which had once been Jasper's _man cave_, sitting absently twirling a drumstick Jasper caught at a concert. The door was only open a crack, and I know he didn't realize I was even there, but I stood there for a good ten minutes watching him stare at mementos.

We were both torn. What we felt fought against how we thought we should feel. Jasper's ghost hung over us, a reminder that the only reason we even had a chance for a relationship was because we lost someone so important.

The overwhelming need to pee drove me out of bed. Edward and I narrowly avoided each other and that continued for the rest of the morning.

I waited on the couch for Alice to come and get me. I could no longer comfortably sit behind the steering wheel of my own car, so now I had to be chauffeured everywhere. Lately, that responsibility had fallen to Alice, a job Edward would have previously jumped at the chance for. When Alice arrived, Edward didn't show his face, and Al didn't press the issue.

Although I had been under the impression that it would be a small gathering held inside the Cullen's house, when Alice pulled the car around to the refurbished barn behind the house, I knew otherwise. Vic and Alice stayed mum on all the details of the shower and now I knew why.

The barn was huge and could honestly hold around a hundred and fifty people. They held all their birthday anniversary parties in there. There were helium star balloons surrounding the doorway with a blue carpet leading the way in.

"Alice." I groaned annoyed at what was clearly going to be an over the top baby shower.

"Shut up," she said playfully. As I walked into the barn, I realize Vic and Alice must have invited everyone I had ever come in contact with while living in Forks. Almost all the female faculty members from Forks High were there. My old neighbors from when I lived in the studio. The lady that cuts my hair. Everyone.

"What the fuck, did you invite the whole town?" I asked as Vic appeared out of the crowd and enveloped me into a hug.

"Umm…well, sort of. Yeah, we did." She released me and kissed Alice in the cheek. "Actually when word got out about the party, people started inviting themselves."

"Jasper was pretty well-liked by everyone. Only makes sense they would all want to come help give his child a good start." Esme joined us and she kissed me on the cheek. "How is my favorite adopted daughter?" She stroked my hair soothingly. I loved Esme. Sometimes I wished I could trade in my mom for her.

"My back hurts and my ankles are swollen." I shrugged.

"I've separated the moms. Your mom is over on that side with Rose, she's keeping her distracted and Maria is on the other side with her old crew." Esme pointed to opposite sides of the barn, scrunching her nose a bit when she mentioned Maria. Esme was not a fan of her sister in law. "We have a plan set to keep them apart as much as possible."

"Thank you," I said, relieved. The only thing Maria and Renee ever agreed on was that it was an unholy disgrace when Jasper and I moved in together before marriage. Jasper had the smooth ability to wrap both of them around his finger. I lacked that talent and long ago stopped trying to hide my dislike of Maria, since she never bothered to hide her disdain for me.

I slowly made my way through the crowd, greeting everyone, thanking them for coming, and receiving well-wishes and the occasional condolence. Everyone wanted to touch my belly, which usually annoyed me, but I knew that I would offend everyone if I told them not to.

Finally I reached my mother. She hugged me limply and said, "Bella, you look well."

"Thank you, mom." We had barely spoken since Thanksgiving, although I called my dad regularly. I was shocked when she agreed to come. "Thank you for coming all this way."

"Well, you are my daughter, of course I would come." She smiled. She was too happy, too nice. I wondered if it was because Esme was standing with us. Esme was my mom's idea of a perfect wife and mother; she tended to try a bit harder whenever she was around.

I visited with my mom for a while and the grudgingly made my way to Maria. She was laughing with her cronies, the few people in Forks she never alienated. She had a dark tan, perfectly manicured nails, and highlights. She looked relaxed and happy, while I'd been spending the last six months getting fat, mourning her son, and crying almost daily over a broken friendship.

"Oh look everyone, it's my son's baby momma." She joked in that awkward way people did when they thought they were being cool. Her little band of Botoxed followers laughed like she was the funniest person on Earth.

"Hello, Maria. Everyone." I nodded toward her friends. I wasn't sure of their names since they never spoke to me unless Maria was around. "Thank you for cutting your vacation short to be here."

"It wasn't a vacation, Bella. It was a spiritual journey. After losing my son in such a devastating way," Translation: After losing my son because you sent him out for Chinese food. "I needed some time mourn his passing and learn my new role in life now that I am no longer needed as a mother." I bit my tongue, remembering my promise to Esme I would not start anything with Maria.

"Of course." I faked a smile and proceeded to listen to her subtlety mock me for her friends' amusement until it was more than I could take. I needed air.

I left Maria without excusing myself and slipped unnoticed through a side door. The air was crisp and cool; I took in a deep breath. The baby also seemed to enjoy it, as it started kicking.

"You like that baby?" I spoke to my belly as I rubbed it affectionately.

"Aw, is the guest of honor not liking the spotlight?" I turned my head to see Irina walking up the path, a small gift bag in her hand. She looked amazing; blond hair perfectly style, makeup expertly applied. Not for the first time I wondered why Edward would want me over her. She stopped in front of me, "Why are you out here?" Though still blunt, she said it without the usual attitude I got from her.

"Maria is in there and combined with my mom, I needed a break." She nodded as if she understood, though being a lifelong Forks resident; she was probably used to Maria. "So, you're here," I continued awkwardly.

"Yea, well, Alice invited the whole town." She shrugged.

"Well…thank you for coming anyway." She shrugged again but didn't respond. I felt like she was working up the courage to say something. I prepared myself for whatever nasty lecture she was about to give me. "Just say what you need to Irina." She averted her eyes and spoke to my feet.

"Edward dumped me once for you. Back when you and Jasper first decided to move in together. I've pretty much hated you since then. I immaturely wished a lot of bad things to happen to you but you didn't deserve to lose Jasper and for that I'm sorry." Irina tucked some hair behind her ear and finally met my eyes. "Everyone knows what's going on between you two and I thought you should know no one would judge you or think badly of you if you moved on with Edward."

"I don't care what people think of me," I said, tired of this conversation already. Irina rolled her eyes.

"I know, you are fiercely independent, you don't give a shit, blah, blah, blah. What I mean is, besides Maria, everyone else thinks Edward has earned his chance and being with him would probably be the most logical thing ever."

"Even you?" I asked, skeptical that this girl has crushed on Edward longer than he's crushed on me would ever stop trying for him.

"Even me. He deserves it and so do you. I can't imagine loosing someone like you lost Jasper. And although I still don't particularly like you, I would like Edward to be happy and if it's you that makes him happy, so be it."

"Umm. Thanks." I smiled and she smiled and then walked past me into the barn. After a few minutes of contemplating, I followed, feeling refreshed and my heart felt a little lighter.

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**Bella, Bella, Bella. will you finally be making some sort of decision?**

**thank to everyone that reviews and pimps and reads and send me encouraging tweets/PMs. i love ya. **

**thank you to larin20 who makes this shit readable.**

**also, i have started a book reviewing blog! (you know, real books? they tend to be made out of paper.) so check it out please! the link is on my profile. =D**


	13. Chapter 13

_**i own nothing! i don't even own a job anymore. =/**_

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_**February 18**__**th**_

It was about two o'clock in the morning, and I couldn't sleep. Getting sleep was hard, because if I didn't have to pee every ten minutes, then I just couldn't get comfortable thanks to my ginormous belly. So instead, I lay in the dark listening to Edward in the living room typing on his laptop.

I thought about my options. I thought about what had Irina said, and what every member of the Cullen family had said, and what Jasper would have probably said if he could talk to me from beyond the grave. I thought about what my heart felt when Edward kissed me. I thought about all the times that Edward had shown me any affection when I was with Jasper and how it never felt odd or uncomfortable. I thought about how I couldn't use the baby as any kind of excuse because Edward would be there no matter what I decided.

And I thought about how I was lying in bed, alone, while a perfectly good and willing man was in my living room, also alone.

I looked at the all the pictures on the dresser next to my bed. Most of them were of just me and Jasper but a few were of the three of us. There was one that grabbed my attention. I was standing in between Jasper and Edward, my arms wrapped around Jasper, and I was looking up at him in clear admiration. Jasper had an arm around me and his other hand was in his pocket. He was smiling at the camera. Edward, although, had his arm around my waist and he was looking down at me with the same expression of awe and love I had while looking at Jasper.

It occurred to me, I was extremely stupid. How could I have possibly missed that for six whole years? I realized that, even though Jasper loved me more than anything, it was possible Edward loved me more than Jasper was probably ever capable of. He had waited for the impossible.

I thought of the fizzy pop feelings I had when Edward looked at me from beneath those dark lashes. The warmth I felt when he kissed me, and of how excited I was when he was coming home from Denver. There was something there. Was it love? It could be, if I gave it a chance.

Before I could chicken out, I heaved myself out of my bed and quietly snuck out into the living room. Edward was furiously tip-taping away on his laptop with one hand and drinking a can of Mt. Dew with a crazy straw with the other. I smiled at the sight. Silly boy with his messy hair and bright green eyes. How could anyone not love him?

He glanced up from his keyboard and saw me standing there. Edward immediately set his computer to the side, his face lined with worry. "What are you doing up? Everything okay?"

"Yup. Just couldn't sleep." I waddled over to the couch. "Mind if I sit?"

"No." He quickly cleared away his pile of junk food wrappers and work stuff and took my arm as I lowered myself.

"What are you working on?" I was stalling.

"Just some programming stuff." He was staring at me strangely. "Do you need anything? Do you want some tea?" Edward was preparing to stand when I put my hand on his arm, stopping him.

"Actually . . ." I took a deep breath. "I want you to kiss me." He plopped back down on the couch; the shocked look on his face was priceless.

"I . . . well . . .umm." He swallowed.

"This is me instigating. I know it's not romantic or anything but I'm trying."

"Hey, what I said in the attic that day . . .I was being a dick. You can take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere. If you need another six years then you can take another six years." He gave me a sad smile.

"You _were_ being a dick, but that doesn't mean you weren't partially right. I think we've both been unfair to each other. You've rushed me and I've given you mixed signals. So I want to rewind and start again. I want you to kiss me." Edward stared at me for a few moments, and I didn't think he was going to do it.

But then he raised his hand to my cheek, rubbing his thumb over my cheekbone. He leaned forward and I leaned forward and when our lips met the familiar fizzy-pop feeling returned. His kiss was soft and gentle, but I kissed back with fervor that he eventually matched. I couldn't for the life of me remember why I didn't do this sooner. This was how first kisses should be, not drunk kisses at midnight.

He pulled back too soon and tugged on his spacer, waiting for my reaction.

"That was perfect." I gushed, feeling my cheeks redden.

"Yeah?"

"Yes," I said firmly. "I-I want to try. With you. Okay?"

"Are you sure? Not to be a douche but I need to know you're serious about this."

"I am serious but we go slow."

"Yes, ma'am. We'll go as slow as a snail. Maybe slower. A snail might zoom past us." Edward was rambling. He could barely contain his excitement.

"All right, then." I smiled and he smiled and it was a goofy moment. "I should get back to bed."

"Okay." He stood up to help me off the couch but I hesitated. I didn't want to go back into that room. That was me and Jasper's room, and Jasper was gone.

"Actually, do you mind if I stay out here with you?"

"Sure. That would be . . .that would be great." He grabbed his comforter, which he stored on the loveseat, and rearranged me on the couch so that I was leaning back against him. I fell asleep almost instantly and woke up the next morning, still cuddled against Edward, feeling happy and looking forward to a new start.

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_**oh boy! is Bella finally gaining some sense?! who knows! **_

_**so this is going to be winding down soon. i estimate maybe 4 or 5 chapters. **_

_**also, a new chapter of First is on it's way!**_

_**thank you to everyone that reviews, reads, pimps, everything! **_

_**thanks to larin20, she is an awesome beta.**_

_**please check out my book blog, it needs some lovin'. =D**_


	14. Chapter 14

_**i own nothing!**_

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_**April 2**__**nd**_

Rose was rubbing my back while I lay on my side, cuddled up with a body pillow. Alice was massaging my feet.

"Any better?" Rosie asked, kneading her knuckles along my spine.

"No,." I answered honestly. I was so fucking uncomfortable. "But thank you for trying."

"Oh, I'm not giving up yet." She dug a little deeper and it did feel nice, although my back ached so badly I wasn't sure a rubdown was going to help.

"I want this thing out!" I cried. Eight more days until my due date but I was showing no signs of progress. The baby was perfectly content in its little cave. I was perfectly miserable. At my doctor visit shortly after the baby shower, I found out my blood pressure was a little high so now I was stuck on bed rest. Rose, Esme, and Alice had been taking turns watching over me.

The attic was complete, so Edward and Emmett had moved everything upstairs and included a small fridge within reach. My new room was a lot more cheery and didn't have grief hanging around it. Edward had plans to take over my old bedroom, but as far as I knew, he hadn't made the move official. When he didn't sleep in the recliner in my room, I was almost certain he was still sleeping on the couch. I wasn't sure; I hadn't been downstairs since I had been put in bed rest.

I scrunched my face in pain and both girls immediately stopped what they were doing. Braxton Hicks contractions had been bothering me quite a bit.

"I never want to get pregnant again." I complained as soon as the pain passed.

"Yeah, you forget that once you hold your baby. Trust me. I'm pretty sure I said that during each pregnancy and now I'm doing it again,." Rose said as she patted her stomach.. Alice and I both stared at her.

"Again? Jesus, Rose. You and Em are like rabbits." Alice rolled her eyes but she was clearly happy about being an aunt again.

"Congrats, Rose, although I think you are insane for wanting to go through this again." I squeezed her hand.

"I like babies. And I like making babies with Em." She was glowing. Except for Angie, she had amazingly easy pregnancies, even the twins popped out like nothing. She was a baby making machine.

I rolled over to my other side, trying to find something of a comfortable position. I was puffy and sweaty. I hadn't had a real shower in a week because it was too much effort. I was limited to sponge baths and every other day Alice washed my hair in a little tub.

"So, how are you and Edward doing?" Alice asked cautiously.

"Good. Things are good."

"Are you guys, like, officially dating now?"

"I don't know what we are. But it's nice. It's working." Edward and I had been taking things slow, and by slow I mean _slow. _We kissed maybe two or three times since that night in February. We held hands while watching TV—I , I liked to rest against his chest. That was as far as we had gotten. We liked to talk for hours. Moving out of the downstairs bedroom had made things easier. There were too many memories in that room. I wasn't allowing myself to let Jasper go, I was holding on to his ghost, and it was affecting my health. The baby's health.

There were still times when I missed Jasper so much it took my breath away but Edward understood. He gave me my space. I think sometimes it took his breath away, too. Edward went out one day and got Jasper's name tattooed over his heart. He said he would get the baby's name under it, whenever I decided what it was.

As soon as I stopped fighting it, I realized that it didn't feel wrong curled up against him. It didn't feel wrong to have his lips pressed against my hairline or his arm draped around me.

"Hey! I'm home!" I heard Edward's voice call from downstairs. A smile spread across my face and for a brief moment, I felt relaxed. He stomped up the stairs quickly. "Hey, sis., Llittle sis." He greeted his sisters and sat down next to me on the bed. "Hey, you,." hHe whispered in my ear. "You doing okay? I brought you some ice cream." Edward pulled out a pint of the Stephen Colbert Ben and Jerry's ice cream and instead of handing it to me; he pressed it against my lower back. The cold felt nice against my aching back but it was short lived. He stuck the ice cream in the little freezer section of the mini fridge.

"The doctor is coming to see how you're doing this afternoon,." Edward announced.

"I don't have an appointment today."

"Dad said he was a little concerned about something he noticed when him and my mom visited the other day. So he scheduled one." My doctor, Dr. Greene, was a friend of Carlisle's and he delivered Rose's babies. I believe he delivered all the Cullen children, including Jasper. He came to Jasper's funeral, too. He made home visits, which being from Seattle was a foreign thing to me but Esme explained it was quite normal for Dr. Greene to make house calls, especially to pregnant women on bed rest.

"Okay, did he tell you what he thought was wrong?" I asked, worried. Being bed-ridden I had Ggoogled too many things that could go wrong during the last trimester.

"No, but I'm sure it's nothing major." He said it in a reassuring way but he tugged on his damn spacer which was a dead giveaway. Rose saw it too, and she frowned. She reached out and gave my leg a squeeze.

"Do you care if we stick around for the appointment?" Rose asked, glancing towards Alice. "We want to know when you're gonna pop this thing out and we can stop being your personal slaves, right Alice?"

"Umm, yes. Yes! We want to know that." Alice and Rose were sending looks back and forth, communicating in a way only sisters would understand. That did not calm my nerves.

While we waited for the doctor, Edward took over rubbing my back while Alice told us some hilarious stories about a party her and Vic went to where some underage girls showed up but the people throwing the party gave them virgin drinks instead of mixed ones but failed to mention that to the girls.

"The one girl was running around in her underwear yelling, 'I'm so drunk!' and using that as an excuse to try and make out with like, half the women at the party. I wonder when she's going to realize she's a lesbian." We all laughed but it died when there was a knock on the door.

Edward went down to answer and quickly came back up with Dr. Greene following. He winked at Rose and ruffled Alice's hair, and asked how they were all doing as he set up. Edward refused to leave during the exam but was careful to only pay attention to my face.

"How long have your hands been swollen, Bella?" Dr. Greene asked as he drew some blood.

I flexed my fingers as I answered,. "I'm not sure. I stopped wearing rings a few months ago, because they were irritating my skin. Maybe few days?"

"Any headaches?"

"Nothing bad. Just an ache in my temples but my whole body aches, so I haven't though much about it. Is something wrong?" Fear tingled down my spine as I wrapped my free arm protectively around my belly.

"You may have preeclampsia, but I would need to finish some tests at the hospital to make sure." Before I knew it, big fat tears were rolling down my cheeks. He pulled a tissue out of his bag wiped them away. "Don't worry, Bella, it's not uncommon for a first pregnancy. Either way, I'm going to admit you today, and with luck we'll get that baby out tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" I grabbed on to Edward's arm, probably hard enough to leave marks.

"If you have preeclampsia, the baby needs to come out ASAP. If you don't, well it's clear that the pregnancy is becoming a hindrance, and I feel that if you were to go past your due date, other problems might evolve."

"Okay." My voice was so small.

"Do you want me to call for an ambulance?"

"No, I'll take her,." Edward offered. Dr. Greene nodded, and once Edward pried my fingers off his arm, he walked the doctor downstairs discussing my admission while Rose and Alice helped me pack a bag and get dressed.

"It's gonna be all right, B." The girls reassured me. I was shaking so bad, I couldn't brush my hair. and Rose did it for me, quickly braiding it so I wouldn't have to bother with it.

Edward returned and stretched out his hand to help me stand. "Ready?"

"Ready."

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**eeeeeee! **

**no First chapter this time (still trying to decide what it's going to be about) but First is up on The Lemonade Stand Fic of the Week Poll if you'd like to go over and give it a little love (link on my profile) thank you to the girls are TLS!**

**thanks for larin20 who takes time out of her paying editing job to edit my stuff for free. lol love ya!**

**thanks to everyone that reads and reviews!**


	15. Chapter 15

_**i own nothing, except a new kindle fire that i bought because i gave in to peer pressure. oh and a job. lol**_

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_**April 4**__**th**_

I ended up having a C-section. The doctor confirmed that I had preeclampsia and felt inducing would put too much stress on the baby. Edward stood by my side through it all, and although he tried to appear calm he worried his spacer so much his earlobe started to bleed.

The Cullens camped out in the waiting room; it was definitely a much happier camp out than the last one.

Nora Rose Cullen-Whitlock was born at 10:23am. She was perfect with blue-gray eyes and a little tuft of strawberry blond hair. Rosie told me her eyes might change color, but I hoped they didn't because they reminded me of Jasper.

From the moment she was officially introduced to everyone to when the hospital staff told everyone they _had _to leave, I didn't think Nora spent a second in the little hospital crib. She was passed around, person-to-person being cuddled, spoiled, and loved.

I broke down and sobbed very suddenly and very violently somewhere in the late afternoon; not caring everyone else in the room was happily chatting. Jasper wasn't there to see his daughter born. He wasn't going to see her take her first steps, talk, her first day of school, go on her first date, or get married.

"Bella." Edward passed Nora off to Esme and rushed to my side. "Shhh, baby. You're going to pop a stitch if you keep crying like that."

"J-J-Jasper . . ." I stuttered.

"I know." He gently kissed my forehead. "He can see her. I promise." Edward pushed down the sidebar on the bed and crawled in next to me. "Why don't you all take Nora around to the staff on this floor that hasn't seen her yet?" The family filed out, each touching me on the leg or foot in passing to give their support.

The skin around my incision was starting to pull, so I took several deep breathes to calm myself down. It sort of worked, the pain didn't lessen. Edward didn't speak, he just held me until the nurse came in with more pain meds.

When she saw my tear-stained face, she patted my on the shoulder. "Perfectly normal reaction after such an ordeal," she said softly. She must be new. She shot me up and went on her merry, oblivious way. I soon dozed off against Edward's chest.

When I woke up Edward was still next to me and all the Cullens were back in my room fawning over Nora. They didn't notice I was awake so I secretly watched them. They were amazing. They started out as my friends but now they were family, even though Jasper was gone, and even if I ever ended my relationship with Edward. They would be with me no matter what.

My little girl wasn't going to have her father but she was going to grow up with a family that loved her better than any other family could. I missed Jasper so much it felt like a stab in my chest but I couldn't lose it; I had someone else to think about now. So, I settled myself against the man who had patiently waited six years for me and would do what he could to be a father to Nora.

The nurse wheeled Nora in this morning and I laid there watching her sleep. She made the cutest little noises. I wanted to hold her but I wasn't supposed to pick her up, she had to be handed to me and I didn't want to disturb Edward. He was asleep on the fold out couch in my room. Esme bought him a change of clothes and last night he showered in my room while I fed Nora.

She was so beautiful, so tiny and pink. I wanted to hold her against me and breathe in her scent. Early in my pregnancy, when my mother still wanted me to go against all her Catholic beliefs and get rid of it, she told me having Jasper's child around would only be a painful reminder of what I had lost. But Nora was far from it. She was a reminder that Jasper and I had loved each other.

"Do you want to hold her?" Edward asked. I looked over and saw him getting up and stretching.

"You didn't have to stay the night. You could have gone home and slept in a bed."

"I wanted to." He walked to Nora and ever so gently picked her up and placed her in my arms. She gurgled and cooed as I held her. Edward dragged over a chair and used my table as his desk and he worked on his laptop while I cuddled my daughter. Every now and then, Edward would reach out and squeeze my fingers or kiss my hand, and I would run my fingers through his hair. It was so normal that it was easy to forget all the difficulties. It was easy to slip and imagine that Nora was Edward's child and he was my adoring husband and that we had never lost someone so important to us.

But I didn't want that. I wanted to remember Jasper and everything I had gone through. I wanted to remember that Edward and I put each other through hell for eight months. I wanted Nora to think of Edward as a dad but know Jasper was her father and that he would have loved her and watched over her.

The clueless, but very nice, nurse from the previous day came in again to take my vitals. "Such a cute family," she said as she wrapped the blood pressure cuff around my arm. She was pleasant enough, though I figured someone would have clued her in by that point. I decided not to be bothered by it, because we _were_ a family, albeit an odd one.

"Thanks," I said with a smile.

* * *

_**thisclose to the end. **_

_**also, usually i try and have a chapter of First to go along with a chapter of Jasper's Girl but one wasn't ready in time. so i'll give you two chapters of First next time. =)**_

_**thanks to everyone that reads and reviews and pays the slightest bit of attention to this story. i appreciate it muchly. **_

_**much love to larin20 who betas this mess.**_

_**also, if you frequent ADifferentForest, i'm planning on doing a watch-a-long of all the Twilight Saga movies, starting next Sunday. i'd love for you to join!**_

_**don't forget to please give my book blog a little love. i've got some pretty good books on there! **_

_**thanks!**_


	16. Chapter 16

_**i own nothing. **_

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_**August 6**__**th**_

"Well, it's been a whole year. A lot has changed," I said to the headstone. I sat down and leaned against it. "Your daughter is just like you, by the way. Charms _everyone_. I think it's the blue eyes and the smile."

I was talked into getting counseling by a social worker at the hospital. Carlisle had said that particular worker recommended counseling to all first time moms but I had assumed it was because of the strange circumstances regarding me, Nora, and Edward. Also I randomly burst out into tears during my hospital stay. I hated it at first, but by the second month I was starting to feel better. Like a weight was lifted.

When my counselor discovered I had never visited Jasper's grave, she asked me why. I couldn't give her an honest answer. She gave a noncommittal _mm-hmm_ and wrote something down on her legal pad. I'd come to realize that _mm-hmm_ meant I was supposed to dig deeper and analyze why I might avoid Jasper's grave. Instead I simply said I would visit it the next day. So I did.

I picked up a blade of grass and twirled it between my fingers. "My mom came to help out. She's been surprisingly helpful and supportive. I think it's to show up Maria, who has only stopped by once, probably to make sure Nora is really yours." I scratched my nose absently, wondering what else I could say. "Rose is huge this time. Everyone says it's going to be another boy. She wants to name it Jasper if it is. I told her it was all right with me. Alice is still with Victoria, amazingly. Vic is good for her; she's got Alice applying for social work jobs in Seattle and Portland. And Edward . . ." I felt the blush creeping up my neck. There was something very awkward about talking to your dead boyfriend about your current one. Especially when things were still going super slow with the current boyfriend.

"I feel as though if you didn't want us together, you'd give me a sign. Like a lightning strike or something. But I think you're okay with it. I think you were probably okay with it way before I was. He's amazing with Nora, which I hope you can see." A lump grew in my throat. It was still hard for me to talk about Nora and Jasper in the same conversation. It might always be hard.

"He's really patient with me, you know. I don't necessarily deserve it." I saw some other mourners off in the distance. They had flowers, something I didn't think of bringing. I did bring a guitar pick and his Batman glass. His second favorite glass. I dug them out of my bag and after putting the pick inside the glass, I set them next to the headstone.

"I miss you every day. There are days when I feel like it's getting harder, not easier." The tears started rolling down my face. "It hurts. I love you so much. I will always love you. Nora will always know that you are her father and that you would have loved her with all your heart." I pulled some tissues out of my bag: I came prepared.

"I wish I had never sent you out for Chinese that day. You know, I haven't eaten it since? I can't. The thought of it makes me sick. I was only just recently able to drive down that road. Edward and I did it together." I hiccupped, a sign I was crying a little too hard so I took a moment to compose myself.

The breeze rustled the leaves on the trees behind me and the noise was so peaceful it had a calming effect on me. I sat in silence for a long time against Jasper's headstone. This was my good-bye, the one my counselor wanted me to have. I understood that now. The funeral was a farce, a show Maria wanted to put on. It wasn't like I wouldn't be back, either. I had plans on bringing Nora when she's old enough to understand.

But this was my closure. This was my acceptance that Jasper was truly gone and I could finally let go. I would always love him; I would never forget him or all the happiness he brought me. I could move forward finally to a future with Nora and Edward. I could love Edward now without feeling so guilty. So I kissed my fingers and pressed them against Jasper's carved name and I walked away.

_**Eighteen months later . . .**_

"Fuck! I am never doing this again!" I cried.

"You said that the last time." Rosie patiently reminded me as she flipped through her magazine.

"Yeah, well, last time I really didn't think I would ever be doing this again. Now I'm positive I don't ever want to do it again." I was so uncomfortable. Bigger than last time, by far. I was convinced Edward's child was going to be born as big as a toddler. A boy this time, that's why, every one kept telling me.

I paced the hospital floor. I was scheduled for my C-section and the nurses were due any minute to start prepping me. The doctor didn't want to risk a VBAC because of health concerns, so here I was, starving and thirsty, and miserable.

"Where is Edward?" I asked as I tried to stretch my back.

"He's only been gone for ten minutes. It takes more than ten minutes to corral our family into one room. Get back into bed."

"I don't want to." I pouted like a child. I was sick of being in bed.

"Don't make me get the nurse." Rosie was always very threatening.

"Fine!" The head maternity nurse was scary. Even Carlisle was a little afraid of her. I crawled back into the bed just as Edward, the doctor, and a team of nurses walked in.

"Okay. Alice and Vic finally showed up, so the whole family is in the waiting room. The nurses put on a movie and Esme brought all the kids snacks so everyone is patiently waiting. Emmett picked up Nora. Let's have us a baby!" He was so excited and nervous, it was adorable.

"I'll be in the waiting room." Rose gave me a kiss on the cheek before she left. I was prepped and as Edward dressed in scrubs and we were good to go.

"Ready?" he asked me as they wheeled me out the door. I looked up at him. He loved me so much and I loved him and it took me a long time but I've realized that Edward is the person I'm meant to be with. I still believe that Jasper was my soul mate but since I couldn't keep him, I was lucky enough to be granted with another one. Now we were making an addition to our happy little family, though I didn't tell him that everyone was right, it's a boy. I figured I'd let that be a surprise. I smiled, grateful that he stuck it out and forever amazed at his patience with me. I don't know where Nora and I would be without him.

"Ready."

**THE END**

* * *

_**it's over. done. finished. =(**_

_**thank you to everyone. i cant' thank you guys enough for all the reviews and pimping and just general hand-holding i've received. i love all of you! thank you thank you thank you.**_

_**a very super special thank you to larin20 for making this readable. seriously, this was a mess before she touched it. **_

_**so i hope you enjoyed the story. i'll update First a few more times but that's pretty much done as well. **_

_**thank you so much for reading!**_


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